tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78076756990838879572024-02-18T23:19:05.248-04:00Along Came TwoNicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-30809194220821828372013-07-20T19:12:00.001-03:002013-07-20T19:29:51.877-03:00A New Way to Love<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Time got away from me again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I haven’t written anything in a long time. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My days with two toddlers have been beyond busy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The last few months have brought a lot of big changes. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My babies have grown into toddlers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Little people, really.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They understand most of the things I say to them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They can communicate to get what they want.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They (almost) speak actual words. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They know so many things. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most of the changes I have been able to embrace, they excite
me and I have never been more proud.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Every day they do something awesome, and that’s pretty damn
cool.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie3LON02GjQ3lq3SuZkW-RSPkRfuggCdvKGskAjCODv48qZYkvIsYc_gMSzRog9SqGAm6QE90T3Ab_7SVe0PHlDQZukDEWKnz5eWpalaw6WDqlTb1OO8Uc1AUCKVz_LURPjDprVuUtcjDw/s1600/DSCN8504.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie3LON02GjQ3lq3SuZkW-RSPkRfuggCdvKGskAjCODv48qZYkvIsYc_gMSzRog9SqGAm6QE90T3Ab_7SVe0PHlDQZukDEWKnz5eWpalaw6WDqlTb1OO8Uc1AUCKVz_LURPjDprVuUtcjDw/s640/DSCN8504.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another big change has happened.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We are finished with breast feeding.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We are finished breast feeding, and I think my heart might
be broken.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When the babies were born, despite a rough start, I was
lucky enough to have more than enough milk to feed both of them.<br />
<br />
I was bound and determined that they would be exclusively breast fed.<br />
And in the end, for the most part, they were.<br />
<br />
In the beginning, breast feeding two newborns was a nightmare.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was lucky, I had plenty of milk</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>But</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Despite having a
supply fit for an army...I was still only one person.<br />
<br />
Breast fed babies eat more often than formula fed babies, simply because, breast
milk isn't as heavy, and takes less time to digest.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Whenever they would hit a growth spurt I would end up
(literally) nursing each of them every hour. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For the first six months of their lives, I pretty much never
slept.<br />
<br />
During the first four or five months, when their demand was at its highest, I
would also pump milk. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This meant that, for <u>one</u> bedtime feeding, and for <u>one</u>
middle of the night feeding, Bill could get up with one of the babies (always
Badger) and give me a slight break. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
However,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They were getting up 3-4 times a night.<br />
<br />
Each. <br />
<br />
In those early months I didn't think I was going to be able to do it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>At least once a week
I would break down into tears, claiming;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"I just couldn't
breast feed anymore". </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was so tired. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Physically and mentally. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There we times that I couldn't bear the thought of another
child, latching on, scratching and grabbing at my poor breast, while still, another
child waited in the wings for their own turn.<br />
<br />
My pre-birth promise to breast feed for 12 months began to dwindle.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I re-vamped it all the way down to 3 months. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I could not imagine making it past that long. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I did. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And in fact, the opposite of what I imagined began to
happen.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I began to enjoy it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So how did THAT happen? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How did my feelings turn 360 so dramatically? <br />
<br />
The truth is, around the 5th month, it got a lot easier. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was still really hard, but their demand was lessening… </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And suddenly, there were times were I almost felt like I could catch my
breath.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
My personal breast feeding goal started to climb again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Six months…nine months...ten months....and then suddenly, before I had even realized it, we had
arrived at 12 months.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
A new unforeseen problem had surfaced. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How and when was I going to stop? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My goal began to push farther forward, no longer projecting
how long I could manage it, but, how much longer until I had to stop.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
13 months… <br />
<br />
By 13 months they were nursing a mere fraction of what they used to. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was becoming clear that it wasn't even because they were
hungry. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was all about comfort. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I knew our days were numbered.<br />
<br />
In a big way I couldn't wait.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
NOT breast feeding meant a big pile of freedom.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Being able to leave them for extended periods of time was a
big one…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
…and I would no longer be completely relied on to put them
to sleep. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wow! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And how about…drinking? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remembered that being fun!<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even something as simple as being able to take cold
medication.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was looking forward to all of it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I could see my new reality poking over the horizon, like a blur
of land after a long bout at sea. <br />
<br />
14 months...15 months…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
15 months. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
15 months and suddenly I found myself on our 2nd day without
milk. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Without my milk.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I almost don't even know how it happened.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A nap here, a nap there,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No milk.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then...</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
…finally, a bed time without milk. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>two bedtimes. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No "emergency" calm down nursing in the early
mornings.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
No random comfort nursing during the day.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It snuck up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I felt ambushed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Afraid.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Afraid that it is all over. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For good.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I found myself, lying awake, hoping somebody would wake up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Begging someone to wake up, so I can selfishly take them from their cribs, to have one last
nurse.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I began to panic.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As much of trial it had been, as much (at times) I
sincerely hated breast feeding, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had realized;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was really going to miss it.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I was going to miss bringing one of my warm babies to my own bed and nursing
them back to sleep. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was going to miss how instantly and fiercely my body could
calm them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was going to miss peering at them in the moonlight, stroking
their cheeks and hair, admiring every inch of their perfect bodies. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The panic rose. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nursing was the ONLY moments I had with my BABY. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Singular.</u> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
These times were the ONLY times I have had to truly enjoy my
BABY individually.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The only time. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And it was disappearing. <br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Without them, how I will reclaim those moments?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Where do I find my perfect moments in time, that were
already so few, to embrace my babies.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One by one. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
There is nothing else I could ever compare it to.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And it will never be
the same.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Irreplaceable.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
About six weeks have passed now, and we have in fact, completely
stopped breast feeding.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I still find myself very conflicted.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Disappointed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sad. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Suddenly, the two beings, who, from their very first breaths,
demanded every ounce of me day and night for the last 15 months, have been sleeping
solidly through the night.<br />
<br />
Our nighttime house is silent.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For 15 months it was the only thing I had wished, begged and
pleaded for.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What I have dreamed of.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Silence. <br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So.</div>
<br />
<br />
Why does it hurt so much?
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why am I having such a hard time getting over it? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
16 months…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This morning, Bug woke up a few minutes before her brother.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I brought her to my bed and laid her against my naked chest.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I began to wonder if this would confuse her? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If nursing even occurred to her, I will never know.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She simply cuddled in and laid a pudgy hand against me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Her cheek resting against my breast.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Suddenly she looked up at me, smiled, and cuddled deeper</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As if to say;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“this is all I need…just you”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The feeling I had thought was lost forever came flooding
back. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I closed my eyes, and for one perfect moment I was content
with all of it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve talked about change, and letting go, many times before,
and I know that this is one of those things that fall into that category.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t think I will ever NOT miss it, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know I will get over it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My children will continue to show me new ways to love them. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXf1hXGQWNOICh6rLRuIQGoFDod41ImZElo4hVtLLFaCkBKGp9S031Yuz2QVyOO7YonG6F7ZyqIGoBk9DsFpknMugxHqym8FXty6pCZMAL3-3LNx4nYSfSJ_PdHLf3x1Evfjk4HfkpHua0/s1600/DSCN8604.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXf1hXGQWNOICh6rLRuIQGoFDod41ImZElo4hVtLLFaCkBKGp9S031Yuz2QVyOO7YonG6F7ZyqIGoBk9DsFpknMugxHqym8FXty6pCZMAL3-3LNx4nYSfSJ_PdHLf3x1Evfjk4HfkpHua0/s640/DSCN8604.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_qCOsgzZJXbGIPS2HMZpVr_5Z1FjEqqK1pcC8ZZWJug6ZyLA1MvfAE0jSf2zuQcSfCxNFP6NP2p6O5JySYBGaJpAHvcC7QSl4XpcPHVRc9ZXf0NdK-vIm0PKLOhZFN-f6uwQrLAUHwTyW/s1600/DSCN8862.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_qCOsgzZJXbGIPS2HMZpVr_5Z1FjEqqK1pcC8ZZWJug6ZyLA1MvfAE0jSf2zuQcSfCxNFP6NP2p6O5JySYBGaJpAHvcC7QSl4XpcPHVRc9ZXf0NdK-vIm0PKLOhZFN-f6uwQrLAUHwTyW/s640/DSCN8862.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-8930071704893462012013-04-28T21:41:00.000-03:002013-07-20T19:41:02.074-03:00Simple<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><br />
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<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
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<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
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<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
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<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
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<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
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<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
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</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I miss the time in my life when I did not constantly feel
the weight of the world on my shoulders. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes I feel so heavy. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Trapped in this cage I have built for myself. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I long for those lazy afternoons that tumbled so
effortlessly into lazy evenings.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The freedom that came with only being
responsible for me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The simple feeling of knowing, that, even if I didn’t, I
COULD go anywhere, at any time. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I miss our late night walks. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I miss not feeling guilty over simply doing something “just”
for me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I miss casual drinking. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I miss me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I realize now, that before I had children I took a lot of
things for granted; my free time, being one of the biggest. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the days of staying
up late, knowing that I could sleep the following day away.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Or even something as simple as a late night walk to the
grocery store for ice cream…just because.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The changes to my life are everywhere. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From the really big, to the completely mundane and unexpected.
<br />
<br />
Like, for example;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How I take baths.<br />
<br />
For the first 8 or 9 months of their lives, I never bathed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn't. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There wasn't the time, and trying was futile. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I tried a few times, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
to fill a bath</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>to find a book </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
and attempt to immerse myself in the complete wastefulness
and self-indulgence that had, before, become a staple in my life; <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
bathing without washing.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That was my favorite thing;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
filling a tub with scalding water, laying back and losing
myself in a book until the water turned cold.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But in my new life I could barely manage to have the bath
filled before someone would wake up.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With two babies in my life I was lucky to shower for pure
utilitarian reasons.<br />
<br />
While I was pregnant I bathed constantly. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the beginning I bathed to try and relive the constant and
intense "morning" sickness that plagued me for 20 weeks<br />
<br />
though....<br />
<br />
mostly, I would end up curled in the fetal position on the shower floor, begging
the shower head to wash my nausea down the drain....</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Eventually the
morning sickness went away and, as I steadily grew bigger and bigger, I bathed
to relive the weight and the tension. Towards the end, when I finally stopped working, and was on
modified bed rest, I bathed several times a day...simply because I was bored.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
These “pregnant” baths were never quite the same as my old
"care free" baths. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For one- I couldn't have the water nearly as hot (raising
your body temperature too much can harm your baby/babies) - so I was forced to
be content with a warm bath, which I found to be, too cold.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Secondly, as my belly
got big, I couldn’t comfortably lie in the bathtub.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Instead I would have to turn my body towards the edge of the
tub and rest my head along that edge while I sat.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was awkward, but it worked.<br />
<br />
I've only recently started finding time to enjoy a bath again. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At first I couldn't read.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'd fill the tub and just sit and stare. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My brain perplexed and overwhelmed by the silence around me.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Shortly after, I began to read again, not in the tub- but
outside. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
If I didn't have time to bathe I certainly didn't have time
to read!<br />
<br />
But </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One day I picked up a book and surprised myself by actually
managing to read almost an entire chapter before my brain stopped firing or a
child woke up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Soon I transitioned
back to being able to read in the tub. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And it was lovely. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was as if I had found my old friends.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The funny thing is, I still bathe the way I did when I was
seven plus months pregnant. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sitting up, leaning over the tubs edge, my head resting on a
rolled up towel. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With my book sprawled open on the floor I am able to rest my
hands against the cool stone tiles. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
For a 30 min I am as true to "me" as I am able to
get.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I guess all of this made me realize that;<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you’re lucky, it is the simplest pleasures in life that
truly bring you the most joy...<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A wind chime singing in the night.<br />
<br />
The sound of cats lapping water<br />
<br />
A book you've read before.<br />
<br />
A hot bath.<br />
<br />
Warm hands pressed against cold tiles.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It can be so hard, sometimes, to see beyond the negative. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am guilty of that. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can spend too much time focusing on the negative, dwelling
on the things I cannot change. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes I forget to look for the little pleasures.<br />
<br />
They don't always reveal themselves easily. <br />
<br />
I forget that it is up to me to actually notice them. <br />
<br />
To find contentment in the simple things life has given me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To take hold. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To say;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“This is what makes it all worth it”.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaDpqZF2dxPc8s9VahkeH4Jmam0HIloGJ4X33AtZ5_9FmTY6gRw4jky41TUuJDIUPpOeS_3y0D7DjDvAxTZs8hnJFSAp7UqLQNRX4b3UEc302ejkWTFzu4BV7G1QGjejfG5lwT7Ub9NM30/s1600/photo(1).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="478" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaDpqZF2dxPc8s9VahkeH4Jmam0HIloGJ4X33AtZ5_9FmTY6gRw4jky41TUuJDIUPpOeS_3y0D7DjDvAxTZs8hnJFSAp7UqLQNRX4b3UEc302ejkWTFzu4BV7G1QGjejfG5lwT7Ub9NM30/s640/photo(1).JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-26541330402413134872013-04-17T23:47:00.000-03:002013-04-18T01:49:35.845-03:00Letters<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->I had planned to post these “letters” to the babies closer
to their first birthday (last month)….but I wasn’t ready. <br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Their birthday was hard for me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I spent most of the day in tears, pouring over old pictures
and videos.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Morning the “loss” of my little babies. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wanted to cling to those moments.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Terrified to admit that this stage was over, and it was only
the memories that were left.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wasn’t ready to admit they were growing up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They are barely one month shy of their first birthday, and it
seems as if they have turned into full blown toddlers overnight.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have no idea who these amazing little people that inhabit
this house are.</div>
<br />
<br />
They surprise me everyday.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
_______________________________________________________________________</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b> To my Daughter on her 1<sup>st</sup> Birthday </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPAOwigf8S8zIhOoqG4vPsul4mz1sKj3l273jAtKAHnFqxP4pRheC5VhY_yrsNkSQO4zPHBFh8Dw1pURLUsE-F7SchmQt42j9QsTBcLlZTpKhxWo_EgN3HmuCgBQxrt70W2EWUOq9oCj26/s1600/DSCN0955.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPAOwigf8S8zIhOoqG4vPsul4mz1sKj3l273jAtKAHnFqxP4pRheC5VhY_yrsNkSQO4zPHBFh8Dw1pURLUsE-F7SchmQt42j9QsTBcLlZTpKhxWo_EgN3HmuCgBQxrt70W2EWUOq9oCj26/s640/DSCN0955.JPG" width="480" /></a></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Where do I begin? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My first born baby.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My beautiful little girl. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everything changed the moment that they held you above me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I couldn’t hold you, but my entire being embraced you. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I couldn’t stop telling your daddy how beautiful you were.</div>
<br />
Your perfect face.<br />
Your fiery red hair.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0EOpr56IQZbxpXDE650st9GRAinVMHP8ghSY081btSggKpRnpYDw35bbexofvK7igAq3TEarPVGpP5wWLuBrme4ZVki2aZ24RgnFtqm2v-r7eP4MoNXwsDztorSQWvIK8BlXuKOiWT6li/s1600/DSCN2460.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0EOpr56IQZbxpXDE650st9GRAinVMHP8ghSY081btSggKpRnpYDw35bbexofvK7igAq3TEarPVGpP5wWLuBrme4ZVki2aZ24RgnFtqm2v-r7eP4MoNXwsDztorSQWvIK8BlXuKOiWT6li/s640/DSCN2460.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You were my gentle baby from the very beginning. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Quietly, and patiently enduring your brother.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I can close my eyes and still feel you, were you sat, in
your own little corner. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Content to sit and wait. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Eventually, now and again, your patience would run out and
you would stretch your legs, pushing him back into his own corner. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What a rumble it would be then, the two of you together. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was then I knew-you would never let anyone push you
around.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You have a will like no other.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are stubborn and sensitive and quick tempered, and loving and determinded...<br />
<br />
...I can't even imagine the things you are going to achieve. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLY8wTSfu56UmCW4HlVktWB8aWcIeOzAqAa3jeouL41KTh6PoVnLOzAE_Y11scC82DPLVVB8YXYbtxaKfMvBa1rGnFuGvO0pfTrZWOu98V_Gazj1Jnp9VJTDH7MYNWv3pFJvj7vbsrR2hs/s1600/464676_10151201088864342_1334516108_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLY8wTSfu56UmCW4HlVktWB8aWcIeOzAqAa3jeouL41KTh6PoVnLOzAE_Y11scC82DPLVVB8YXYbtxaKfMvBa1rGnFuGvO0pfTrZWOu98V_Gazj1Jnp9VJTDH7MYNWv3pFJvj7vbsrR2hs/s640/464676_10151201088864342_1334516108_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<span id="goog_1828271676"></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<span id="goog_1828271675"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Have I told you how beautiful you are? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I cannot tell you enough. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Someone, someday might tell you otherwise and your feelings
will be hurt. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But know that those people are in pain.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Turn your hurt into sympathy for them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You play a charade of a serious baby. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I know the truth.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your eyes are always dancing, and when you finally unleash a
smile, it is unmatched.<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your laugh is my music and I wonder how I ever lived without
it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhujiheYO_E3PZ7mHHYX2uKtN3dd4xcCzg6IbSYNt5NtaX1bRJTjI5D4ddZyPfkHRvhVtK919fFmqq1Tc_ZulA9xfWyZtRSMtEIexMd0aF5e-oSuNGhlTc8lLEioLUCxCDIS5u0L-S2FHIK/s1600/DSCN6982.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhujiheYO_E3PZ7mHHYX2uKtN3dd4xcCzg6IbSYNt5NtaX1bRJTjI5D4ddZyPfkHRvhVtK919fFmqq1Tc_ZulA9xfWyZtRSMtEIexMd0aF5e-oSuNGhlTc8lLEioLUCxCDIS5u0L-S2FHIK/s640/DSCN6982.JPG" width="480" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want the whole world for you. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want you to never be afraid.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want you to live for YOU, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
not for me , </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
not for your father.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just you. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want you to spread your wings and fly as far as you want
to go.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But…at the same time</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want to wrap my whole body around you and keep you from
everything that might hurt you. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTVBiEgRwccpqDjeDnUWK6NlsfY4THm09zal-ZtGRcRXkIe5mGVP0SbRdlHs1pIdyy-tDREFC8FkN4binRsHxW8YK3lzcaMcj05B1sexPHxVd4MeIIbSK5FfPFh7TWgUhp3cSaAYOitbb0/s1600/860659_10151369765749342_1332615369_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTVBiEgRwccpqDjeDnUWK6NlsfY4THm09zal-ZtGRcRXkIe5mGVP0SbRdlHs1pIdyy-tDREFC8FkN4binRsHxW8YK3lzcaMcj05B1sexPHxVd4MeIIbSK5FfPFh7TWgUhp3cSaAYOitbb0/s640/860659_10151369765749342_1332615369_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To be honest – I was terrified to have you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A daughter. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I truly believed your life would be easier if you were a
boy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You would hurt less. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You would be safer.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And in this world…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It seems that almost daily, my fears for you become truer
and bolder and scarier.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I promise that I will not hold you back.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We will not live in fear. We can never live in fear. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I promise that I will never expect you to sacrifice more than
your brother. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXw_YIgRH59YykBhbMRM8EO4W1ioRbx17WSaWHt34mMJfT73XJ4P5d9Pw0nxkQLtDksND1j3C4VoWvaQx5WodQwYpEqzV0ahEhgFImcXK0AcReswfxmqIP6TIzUYhOJG-TyDkOF4H7n1dq/s1600/DSC_4351+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXw_YIgRH59YykBhbMRM8EO4W1ioRbx17WSaWHt34mMJfT73XJ4P5d9Pw0nxkQLtDksND1j3C4VoWvaQx5WodQwYpEqzV0ahEhgFImcXK0AcReswfxmqIP6TIzUYhOJG-TyDkOF4H7n1dq/s640/DSC_4351+copy.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are such an amazing little person</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are so much like your father </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You’re goofy and fun and smart.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>You seem to want to
learn everything, to know it, to live it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You study things around you, and wait until you’ve almost
perfected something before you try it</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Whereas you brother is all about the destination you are all
about the journey. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You take your time you think it through. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then, when you figure it out, you truly enjoy the ride.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hope you never lose this.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8qPJ_bnUcPVXv18wlHPhNFHujJIpuhU5a9SwL2Dhg7lOSUNhJsvTlhO22uYeLY5qZmYDBi7-rKIoxfmtF-cI-OhDRipyunmAF2FCDluBq61Qpx9TkZGFhO2j_mnVosnTWIcmFcmOpGpoy/s1600/DSC_1816.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8qPJ_bnUcPVXv18wlHPhNFHujJIpuhU5a9SwL2Dhg7lOSUNhJsvTlhO22uYeLY5qZmYDBi7-rKIoxfmtF-cI-OhDRipyunmAF2FCDluBq61Qpx9TkZGFhO2j_mnVosnTWIcmFcmOpGpoy/s640/DSC_1816.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are going to be amazing. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
__________________________________________________________________________</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>To my Son on his 1<sup>st</sup> Birthday
</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZr008s7M8yABy2sYqxRwMKZhG2l7ZU_FxAvRppmeNVxs_8ZAa2sv4fOagcviFxuJ08Jbg_zuFXcBNBW1w8_pxCkQDvtpoqfGccfSiKBqAM_cu9eurXPD-S5IRRee8Q_gyFSZG5Po5Tx8D/s1600/DSCN0927.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZr008s7M8yABy2sYqxRwMKZhG2l7ZU_FxAvRppmeNVxs_8ZAa2sv4fOagcviFxuJ08Jbg_zuFXcBNBW1w8_pxCkQDvtpoqfGccfSiKBqAM_cu9eurXPD-S5IRRee8Q_gyFSZG5Po5Tx8D/s640/DSCN0927.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My Son. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My darling sweet little boy. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I held you in your first moments.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For one perfect minute. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your sweet quiet face.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You completed our family.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Made us four- in perfect balance.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiujKyyK7wrQfyE59L3Hqj1neK-pJGeR_HcKrpYNreUmpCWg1HrHni2JUoP5j2zIjaOJoZKBANbKfquv9Ict3A5dgGFs2myY_pL8PVuDb1onT1ZjiCvJ98CA7Y1TYfLObq-vaKnz3ZNyd7f/s1600/DSCN2356.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiujKyyK7wrQfyE59L3Hqj1neK-pJGeR_HcKrpYNreUmpCWg1HrHni2JUoP5j2zIjaOJoZKBANbKfquv9Ict3A5dgGFs2myY_pL8PVuDb1onT1ZjiCvJ98CA7Y1TYfLObq-vaKnz3ZNyd7f/s640/DSCN2356.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
From the very beginning you demanded to be heard.<br />
Stretching out in all angles inside my belly, assuring me you were there.<br />
I can close my eyes and still feel you, your head underneath my right rib.<br />
<br />
I would lay awake at night, feeling you and wondering who this strong willed little person was going to be?<br />
<br />
I knew you were going to be unstoppable. <br />
<br />
<br />
I love your fat little hands. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dimples were your knuckles should be </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your smile is as big as your personality</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From ear to ear.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You already know how to work it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You love to dance, you hear the beat and your shoulders start
to sway with a life of their own.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You love food, and indulge yourself zestfully. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bananas, blueberries, cheese and toast are among your
favorites. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwEaUzKedP45A_EQXIpNvNBOyb07LevfvINVnfqYpDqpONww8foCG_pdI16gLzVjrYakl16SaIzfdy6B4uc-jRgmj5AkO3gPawsLKnhW-y9hovqv-1cAR3yhsOKUA5G0D1akFQx7AwxXgq/s1600/177395_10151179078099342_540117443_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="472" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwEaUzKedP45A_EQXIpNvNBOyb07LevfvINVnfqYpDqpONww8foCG_pdI16gLzVjrYakl16SaIzfdy6B4uc-jRgmj5AkO3gPawsLKnhW-y9hovqv-1cAR3yhsOKUA5G0D1akFQx7AwxXgq/s640/177395_10151179078099342_540117443_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are fearless. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You tackle life head on. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nothing seems to slow you down. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You were determined to crawl, stand and walk. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You attempt every challenge with all abandon. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Never giving up, no matter how many times you fall. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You always pick yourself up. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As you get older- I hope you never lose your drive, your
determination. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Never underestimate how far hard work will get you. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtghbXNOoFle1dbiHc7n3g3QF83KaJjI-3XubmvUR8pojepDrGpokSAd0cMSeZL7lJO1THDyzTcojHNPgKBUEVXQvbRJOVWA2NAmkD62bLKLSnho-EvTKoiMGKxNuH7yL006ua1w9VNNO7/s1600/DSCN7106.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtghbXNOoFle1dbiHc7n3g3QF83KaJjI-3XubmvUR8pojepDrGpokSAd0cMSeZL7lJO1THDyzTcojHNPgKBUEVXQvbRJOVWA2NAmkD62bLKLSnho-EvTKoiMGKxNuH7yL006ua1w9VNNO7/s640/DSCN7106.JPG" width="480" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I won’t lie to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You can be a frustrating child</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are so head strong. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I don’t fault you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can’t </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Stubborn</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hot blooded</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Passionate</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sensitive</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You scowl. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You furrow . </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You have the death stare mastered. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are full of drama. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You will stand at the gate, head bent back and mouth gaping; clutching
the bars, as you melt to the floor, bellowing great sobs that shouldn't be able to
be produced by your tiny body. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You have so much passion.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know you are destined to love too hard</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihoO_qV7IMGPHnjB4Pn6BbhA2f_QWKPv8QfgkHaGJoyuiI9_7welb16ztRGTdnGGCqUvicUsTpEHYVZWZnodgUl_6FabYih5eMaFaSqEGNNrn0KPoUVqc27GydxzgGadhAAXktsEYJqDbB/s1600/860139_10151369767699342_1709026836_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihoO_qV7IMGPHnjB4Pn6BbhA2f_QWKPv8QfgkHaGJoyuiI9_7welb16ztRGTdnGGCqUvicUsTpEHYVZWZnodgUl_6FabYih5eMaFaSqEGNNrn0KPoUVqc27GydxzgGadhAAXktsEYJqDbB/s640/860139_10151369767699342_1709026836_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes you seem to need me all the time</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sobbing your great sobs if you can’t be in my arms or on my
lap</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
You propel yourself to me as fast as you can.<br />
If I’m
standing you hug my legs and cry begging me to pick you up.<br />
If I am sitting you
hurriedly climb into my lap and snuggle in.<br />
<br />
You want me all for yourself</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You will share me from time to time.<br />
And welcome your sister
onto her knee. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All three of us together to read a story, as you play with
her hair</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are such a sensitive little boy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A strong boy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi36kI2T3fOY815ty_5XkmxPKzr3C-I6otZdF84odNSBavvaaS3LaF-PIcYr_0-0vUNjolniEudS3QZiNNOInHX6svBBSH-_HMW1y9KQldo_Zz-7rb1wx1-L49yQvEkgpH4RWMBqkCsbJUt/s1600/DSC_4562+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="452" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi36kI2T3fOY815ty_5XkmxPKzr3C-I6otZdF84odNSBavvaaS3LaF-PIcYr_0-0vUNjolniEudS3QZiNNOInHX6svBBSH-_HMW1y9KQldo_Zz-7rb1wx1-L49yQvEkgpH4RWMBqkCsbJUt/s640/DSC_4562+copy.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Protect your sister always.<br />
<br />
One day she will tell you she
doesn’t need you, but don’t take it to heart. The truth is she does (whether
she knows it herself or not).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You will have to be patient<br />
<br />
But, please </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Always be in her corner</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Be true to yourself</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are you and that is what we love</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Know that you cannot be the best at everything </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We will always love you no matter what.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Respect yourself and others.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Respect for others results in respect for yourself, and
forges a path to understanding, compassion and inner peace. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicfPlH5Xh9Pu9kZ7DWHyxRUVTrWDy8lkBFlcfofyDK2MZQhNjASSYdxQCIDwmSGFy8qWVIS6jRKDEzqVnA5hyCSiJZajbNeYCXRUEZBO9bV0BX3qZVc0iqm1Hi4T-P34Z4ucKXXzSK7UcT/s1600/DSC_1744.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicfPlH5Xh9Pu9kZ7DWHyxRUVTrWDy8lkBFlcfofyDK2MZQhNjASSYdxQCIDwmSGFy8qWVIS6jRKDEzqVnA5hyCSiJZajbNeYCXRUEZBO9bV0BX3qZVc0iqm1Hi4T-P34Z4ucKXXzSK7UcT/s640/DSC_1744.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are going to be amazing.<span id="goog_1828271702"></span><span id="goog_1828271703"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
________________________________________________________________________</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>To the Both of You</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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I know you will face pain and suffering, because that is
life. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And unfortunately, it is something I cannot keep from you. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most importantly,<br />
<br />
I just want you to be happy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To know love, and hope and peace and harmony and loyalty and
truth. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To know that your father and I will always love you, no
matter what. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To know that you are my entire world.<br />
<br />
To know </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
We wanted you more then we have wanted anything.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG9GZq1YAoGNwNbEPcn0yXbgH7ZZQe0sf1VXrjMkQcE82l9m7odPymtf7pAzeUmnfLKRBExYjVqEDrckbTKxSiM6haSUzMSvfmnqTNkpu-GVvvKVMaBYLCcD4az627N_qEP7q0i5h9IGIZ/s1600/DSC_2008.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG9GZq1YAoGNwNbEPcn0yXbgH7ZZQe0sf1VXrjMkQcE82l9m7odPymtf7pAzeUmnfLKRBExYjVqEDrckbTKxSiM6haSUzMSvfmnqTNkpu-GVvvKVMaBYLCcD4az627N_qEP7q0i5h9IGIZ/s640/DSC_2008.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thank you for completing our lives. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Love Always,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mama. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-69900441348339866332013-03-27T01:35:00.001-03:002013-03-27T01:56:30.645-03:00Balance<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Our family is Vegetarian. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And yes. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We ARE raising the children to be too. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Bill and I live a pretty healthy life style.</div>
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We eat A LOT of vegetables, whole grains, good fats, alternative protein sources etc etc. <br />
We try to shop the perimeter of the grocery store and stay away from the inner "processed foods" aisles as much as possible. <br />
<br />
Basically, I try my best to make healthy and earth conscious decisions whilst trying to make sure we are getting all the nutrients we need.<br />
<br /></div>
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BUT <br />
as hard as I try...</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
there is some room for some big improvements. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Lately (perhaps it’s the age old pressure of a “New Year”) I
have been feeling like we need to make some serious changes.</div>
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We need to kick “Healthy Living” up a notch.</div>
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<br />
The last 12 months have been pure survival mode, and our
diet (although still strict vegetarian) has been pretty lax. </div>
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<br />
I haven’t had the time, or the interest for that matter, to
prepare food the way I know I should be. </div>
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I want to be able to cook more REAL food. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel better when I do. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mentally and physically. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And let’s face it. Bill and are not getting any younger. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our bodies can’t process that stuff the way it used to. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So- I guess I’m in the beginning stages of change. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s just something that needs to happen. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Especially now, that the kids are eating “real” food. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am a true believer of "living by example".</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want the children to "do as I say AND as I do"- instead of the tired stand by most of us grew up hearing. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Even though I have been a little neglectful to our own diets, I put an exorbitant amount of effort into what goes onto Bug
and Badgers plates.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want them to eat clean and healthy, and I am trying to
keep chemicals and sugar out of their little bodies for as long as I can. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I not only read labels, I over analyze them. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I worry over sugar, salt and additives. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m a bit of a mad women when it comes to the subject.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m learning to check myself though. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Recently while standing in the organic section of the
grocery store, holding a can of tomato sauce I turned to Bill and asked (with
complete sincerity),</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“But…is this tomato sauce organic ENOUGH??” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
His look was enough to know I might be slipping over the
edge. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Seriously though,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That’s what we do isn’t it? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We simply want the best for our children, and I think that
desire manifests itself in different ways for each parent. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Once your children come into your life, everything suddenly
and drastically becomes all about them. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You find yourself thinking and worrying and over analyzing
things you never once imagined could matter to you. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s uncanny. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
An unbelievable amount of my energy goes solely into
absolutely every aspect of their care. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
We truly do live our children.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am learning to try and take a step back every now and
again. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To lighten up. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After all, I don’t want to create a set of “weird health
nuts”.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I just want my children to be happy and healthy while
maintaining at least one foot within the realm of reality.<br />
<br />
So. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve been giving them regular peanut butter.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The peanut butter I eat. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ya know, the commercial brand… with the added sugar.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They love it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course they do. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Still, I can’t help feel a twinge of guilt as they lick
their fingers and smile. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ll get over it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m sure in the end, the proper balance will happen, health
and harmony in a world of excess and temptation. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Or at least that’s what I will aim for. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLWGNIuBZv7Iw5-7RgF0BPLq9u912E1KMMOUCBt2MOuTwN3MGOrQd_pbp0z3MEXTcQgiPuThzKVypWeIfrHaBltHihWR3wLDVdAYPYZgXrk_FyhjZlD-QfpLfYslqXO71NyhF7rcoj09s5/s1600/DSCN7558.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLWGNIuBZv7Iw5-7RgF0BPLq9u912E1KMMOUCBt2MOuTwN3MGOrQd_pbp0z3MEXTcQgiPuThzKVypWeIfrHaBltHihWR3wLDVdAYPYZgXrk_FyhjZlD-QfpLfYslqXO71NyhF7rcoj09s5/s640/DSCN7558.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">blueberry babies</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-87208037288495031742013-03-15T00:04:00.000-03:002013-03-15T00:15:42.638-03:00One Year<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
A year ago today, on a very snowy (and very early) morning,
Bill and I climbed into the car and were on our way to meet two tiny people who
would change our lives in a big way. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That morning I was truly unprepared for how much my life was
about to change. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I thought I knew how hard caring for two newborns was going to be. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was wrong. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was ten times harder. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But we survived</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One year ago, I never imagined that time would ever pass, and
my tiny newborns would suddenly be toddlers. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Now, I can barely imagine where that year went.<br />
<br />
I would do it all again. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Happy Birthday Bug and Badger.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thank you for changing our lives. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqtwbPewFU7uoBsLhTT5TYaVq13sjY74TxbAFw_kvgchuGl4q68hPiH2M7x3JbIsZfitB9MoABoDjNTu6_F-60-k4xHzrZBQ3YYj7Z21VGna5HSkryEgGqF58rTFxqKm8MMNoGYV114aKH/s1600/DSCN0944.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqtwbPewFU7uoBsLhTT5TYaVq13sjY74TxbAFw_kvgchuGl4q68hPiH2M7x3JbIsZfitB9MoABoDjNTu6_F-60-k4xHzrZBQ3YYj7Z21VGna5HSkryEgGqF58rTFxqKm8MMNoGYV114aKH/s640/DSCN0944.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Read all about their birth day: </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><a href="http://alongcame2.blogspot.ca/2012/05/birth-story-part-one-honesty.html" target="_blank">Part 1</a> </b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><a href="http://alongcame2.blogspot.ca/2012/05/birth-story-part-2-getting-on-with-it.html" target="_blank">Part 2 </a></b></span></div>
Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-88717338581765158772013-03-03T00:32:00.001-04:002013-03-03T01:04:56.564-04:00Surprises<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
A little while ago I had a request that I write about how I
felt when<br />
I found I was going to have twins. So...here it is! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Our "baby" was completely planned. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our "baby" was discussed, put off, re-discussed,
calculated, and prepared for.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
So.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s safe to say we were not surprised when we did become<br />
pregnant...Though quite surprised how quickly it had happened.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In fact, it had happened so quickly that I was in complete
denial that I was actually pregnant.<br />
It was an odd sort of denial though.<br />
Because I KNEW I was pregnant almost immediately. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I felt it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I felt completely different.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But... I'm a self doubter.<br />
And a VERY cautious optimist.<br />
So cautious that people mistaken it for pessimism.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
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Simply, I don't like to be disappointed. </div>
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So I refuse to
accept most things until I have concrete evidence.<br />
(It's pretty much the reason why religion does not work for me)<br />
<br />
I knew that I was pregnant.<br />
But I refused to even let myself take a pregnancy test until my period had officially "been missed" by an<br />
acceptable amount of days. </div>
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<br />
Which I had decided would be 5 days.</div>
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<br />
Finally I decided that I had waited long enough, and on the 5th<br />
morning, before work, I took the test.<br />
<br />
Providence most of decided that I had done enough waiting because<br />
I didn't even have to wait the suggested 5min. </div>
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The test turned positive –instantly, literally before my
eyes.<br />
<br />
I was floored.</div>
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Try, trying to finish getting ready for work after that! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I did, and then proceeded to have a very jittery and unproductive day.<br />
<br />
If you are wondering how I told Bill, and are hoping for some cutesy<br />
story, were I did something over the top and romantic/loving ...</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
....you are probably going to be disappointed...<br />
<br />
I texted him the photo of the positive pregnancy test later that morning, while
sitting at my desk. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Im sorry. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That's just how we roll.<br />
<br />
So we were 4 weeks pregnant.<br />
<br />
We wouldn't know it was twins until I was almost 14.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwAdejbQfp1IQFI_JnMjnaeLNY8NVrDWnoR5ywDxKYt7ZiUq_-gh1AAjjHSmGsJCRtC7pdDa3WugEJO6_2y955K7Q-Wea4OQjDR3Iy5kB1C08gu_8XtE9J8rGKTt3dPuSgiiLSNYsAch38/s1600/319970_10150384663602048_1242690982_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwAdejbQfp1IQFI_JnMjnaeLNY8NVrDWnoR5ywDxKYt7ZiUq_-gh1AAjjHSmGsJCRtC7pdDa3WugEJO6_2y955K7Q-Wea4OQjDR3Iy5kB1C08gu_8XtE9J8rGKTt3dPuSgiiLSNYsAch38/s640/319970_10150384663602048_1242690982_n.jpg" width="532" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br />
Initially (in our younger days) Bill and I had decided that we would<br />
have two children. I wanted three and he wanted one- so we compromised.<br />
<br />
Later as we got closer to actually wanting children, and subsequently<br />
working on making one, we quickly decided that one child would be<br />
plenty.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We wanted a child, but we also had plans to travel as we got
older, we<br />
wanted to still be young when our child was grown-….so we could do all<br />
the things we wanted.<br />
<br />
We even discussed at length how we were a little nervous that one<br />
child may become spoiled and that perhaps a second child would prevent<br />
that. But after some thought, consulting a few books and the<br />
realization that we knew several couples who managed to raise one<br />
child without turning it into some horrid egotistical monster- our<br />
confidence returned.<br />
<br />
Yes, having one child was the perfect decision for us and we were<br />
delighted with ourselves.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our plan was going
forward well researched and thought out.<br />
<br />
I of course, told no one that I was pregnant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My cautious nature couldn’t bear the thought of “un-telling” anyone- so
I just didn’t tell anyone ….until I was SURE I was pregnant. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As in, heard a heartbeat or seen an ultrasound kind of sure. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My secret got harder and harder to keep as my morning
sickness got worse and worse (as in curled up in fetal position on shower floor
kind of worse). </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The intensity of my “morning sickness” (laughable term- I was
sick all day every day for at least 20 weeks) should have been my first clue
something was “different”.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To be completely honest- I knew something was “not right
from the very beginning, which was a big part of the reason I kept the
pregnancy a secret for so long. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I KNEW that something was different. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
And to be 100% completely
honest I had many moments, these silent creeping thoughts, way back in my brain that suggested
to myself that maybe....just maybe...there might be "two babies".</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But that is an INSANE thought. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I never uttered it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not
once. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not even to Bill. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But still, I couldn’t shake it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This feeling. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That something was very different. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
SO </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Being ME- I assumed that these feelings meant that something
was wrong. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Really wrong. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
FINALLY my 10 week appointment came. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
FINALLY I knew that the doctor would actually try and listen
for the heart beat.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was a nervous wreck. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was terrified that she would finally reveal what I was
sure had happened. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That the baby didn’t make it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I lifted up my shirt for the doctor to look at my
stomach, she looked at me strangely. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“How many weeks are you?” she asked.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“11” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“That isn’t possible” – “You’re too big” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She was right- my stomach was already “big”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never carried much weight on my stomach and over
the last couple weeks a distinct bulge had appeared almost out of nowhere-
causing me to even remark to Bill a few nights previous – “Should I even be
showing this much already???” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With a look of concern/confusion my doctor
tried to find the babies heartbeat with the Doppler monitor. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Soon the room was filled with the quiet whoosh and rumble of the
sounds from my stomach, and then suddenly the distinctive “whub, whub, whub” of
a heartbeat that was not my own. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Relief rushed over me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Is that it?”- I said “Is that the heartbeat?” My
chest welling with pure joy. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The doctor didn’t answer. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My heart stopped.<br />
I felt an instant lump form in my throat. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Her face read nothing but confusion.<br />
Her brow furrowed with
intense concentration. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What’s wrong?....Isn’t that the heart beat….Is it ok?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Her silence was merely seconds but it felt like whole
minutes.<br />
My mind raced with every possible “worst case scenario” I could fathom.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Finally she answered;........................“I think there are two”
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
BAM.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My whole world stopped. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My ears ringing around her words. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My mind went blank.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Pardon me?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
“The second heart beat I heard could have just been an echo,
but there COULD be a second baby- although it’s more likely that you are just
farther along than you think you are, which would also explain why you are
starting to show”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I would have to wait another two weeks for a “dating
ultrasound”.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiruvFM3FN-06KyHNxj6sKqudaYi1ql0l0SLh8OlvaURWjL8VeH1cGwSBBy1gHc_auw_zMNzpKuaRE6QSfDUOD5Adm8CN-ZcGVe3YJzoS9t4Z2bGuBcMhbT2UfJskLNG2k0c3WdklOcntP_/s1600/379099_10150384663677048_634086668_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiruvFM3FN-06KyHNxj6sKqudaYi1ql0l0SLh8OlvaURWjL8VeH1cGwSBBy1gHc_auw_zMNzpKuaRE6QSfDUOD5Adm8CN-ZcGVe3YJzoS9t4Z2bGuBcMhbT2UfJskLNG2k0c3WdklOcntP_/s640/379099_10150384663677048_634086668_n.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bill couldn't come with me to the ultrasound that would
determine<br />
whether we actually had two babies ...or I was just simply huge.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can't describe how I felt or what I thought when I saw
those two<br />
almost perfectly round shadows appear instantly on the ultra sound.<br />
My future had changed in a mere instant.<br />
There was no doubt.<br />
The grainy black and white image dancing on the screen in front of me<br />
was my proof.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I looked at the ultrasound tech and laughed. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Oh, and how did I tell Bill he was going to be the father of twins?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br />
I texted him.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimWjicCBVo0bXDmnpSaRIONWsHsTOd4Rn3phZXsoEINSq30s-vJbOPd860XAZlHHoux7dt43rgo34Ww8sEc8Pjplc8N29c0CBzqQaEcpNwd9vk0ZQJUfI8TB6aJHHiVMNqy61sy7YRwJlw/s1600/382577_10150438778807048_824823484_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="442" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimWjicCBVo0bXDmnpSaRIONWsHsTOd4Rn3phZXsoEINSq30s-vJbOPd860XAZlHHoux7dt43rgo34Ww8sEc8Pjplc8N29c0CBzqQaEcpNwd9vk0ZQJUfI8TB6aJHHiVMNqy61sy7YRwJlw/s640/382577_10150438778807048_824823484_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">TWO BABIES! </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We didn’t have much to say to each other over the next few
days.<br />
It was all just TOO crazy. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All too- unreal. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
How would we manage?<br />
How DO you take care if TWO babies....?....at once?<br />
Could my body even physically handle it?<br />
How huge was I going to get?<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It took a LONG time for the reality of our situation to set
in, and honestly, I still have moments when I am floored that we have twins.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While I watch them as they play I cannot help but marvel how
both of them were inside my belly at once. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Where did I even keep them? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It all seems so impossible now. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">It's funny really. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">All that planning we did.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Life sure showed me. </span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3qVuS6-2JQUAK15-3cFsslbg4TVQG12u2dFs02AYFJp_C7yk_6Rv4wIahDiK001HfdU7qs5xSZ3fYh4aWFEIA0FaaBSjK29UGzx8fddnBtBsRGM8MaOehjeTLlQDvLbkqk7Lu7KrJ55Cf/s1600/420619_10150631561072048_936484981_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3qVuS6-2JQUAK15-3cFsslbg4TVQG12u2dFs02AYFJp_C7yk_6Rv4wIahDiK001HfdU7qs5xSZ3fYh4aWFEIA0FaaBSjK29UGzx8fddnBtBsRGM8MaOehjeTLlQDvLbkqk7Lu7KrJ55Cf/s640/420619_10150631561072048_936484981_n.jpg" width="516" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-88127019250738939572013-02-25T00:51:00.001-04:002013-02-25T01:07:52.632-04:00For Ourselves<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"You can’t live your
life for others" </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is something I say A LOT.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By which, I of course mean:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You cannot live your
life trying to please everyone around you. In the end, the only thing you can
do is what is right for you. </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A very good friend of mine has recently been struggling with
a decision. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will call it: “The period of the shoulds and should nots” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I of course, had my own opinion of what they “should or
shouldn’t do”, but I tried my best to be impartial. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(I’m not sure how good of a job I did). </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As they worked through the problem, the should and the
should nots, I listened and shared my opinions, but always ended on the same
sentiments:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You have to do what makes you happy.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Or. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You can’t live your life for others.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One night (after another not quite successful debate in
regard to the decision at hand),</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
my friend expressed guilt for the feelings of those affected
on the “losing” side of the decision. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Well … you can’t live your life for others” I said. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(Simply meaning that you can’t do something wrong for you –
just because someone’s feelings might get hurt.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We sat in silence for a moment </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After a while my friend replied,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Well…In a way that’s all you can do, isn’t it? Live your
life for others. Because what is the point, if you don’t?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At first I said nothing.<br />
I couldn't. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had never really thought of it in that context before.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My friend was right. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My mind was kind of blown. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Ha!” I bitterly laughed to myself.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They’re right.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
ALL I do is “live for others”.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But it wasn’t REALLY news to me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I often feel like all I do is “give". </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a wife and mother, pretty much all I do is live for
others.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So much so sometimes that it can feel like a chore. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dragging myself through day to day on a seemingly endless
journey of other people’s needs. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Feeding and changing and dressing and washing and listening
and loving…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Sometimes I wonder where I even went. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is this what MY life has become? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
A glorified “keeper”? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Is that what all of THIS is? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
A life for others?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I thought about it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What it all meant. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The sacrifices, the hard work, the sleepless nights, the
changes…to…well everything, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I realized:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I WAS living for me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All of the things I have, I have because I wanted them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My husband. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I CHOSE to marry him, not for him, but for me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I couldn’t imagine my life without him.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our children.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I CHOSE to have them, because I WANTED them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wanted them more than anything. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So in reality, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By living for others, I live for myself. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All of my selflessness was really selfishness. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My friend was right.<br />
<br />
We had stumbled upon another one of life's double edged swords. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If we didn’t live for others, what would be the point? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It seems to me that life would be very empty. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As much as we need to be true to ourselves we also need to
be true to others. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because really, isn’t that all anyone can really hope for? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
To be lucky enough to be surrounded with people to live for.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
So.<br />
<br />
When I’m having a bad day, and I feel like I have
nothing left to give to everyone, I try to remember –<br />
<br />
I have, in fact, made my
own bed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
And even though it can be uncomfortable at times, I’m glad it’s
my bed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I hope I’m lucky enough to sleep in it for the rest of my
life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaDPfzmYxR-enkKj1708qhIO2DeoryH_Aq5tbKXAZaReq9VmQ7bBnibdA_ftWUazixw_os8xmqNREmrF0ddXt0yH64U56AhBr-qkoLyM9imwRw_cmnhB1m6CCQhyBpgYEwnnzg7tG76chC/s1600/DSCN6947.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaDPfzmYxR-enkKj1708qhIO2DeoryH_Aq5tbKXAZaReq9VmQ7bBnibdA_ftWUazixw_os8xmqNREmrF0ddXt0yH64U56AhBr-qkoLyM9imwRw_cmnhB1m6CCQhyBpgYEwnnzg7tG76chC/s640/DSCN6947.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What I live for. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
oh...on a unrelated note-</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I learned/ was reminded of one other thing that night;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(in regards to the period "of shoulds and should nots").</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
You never really appreciate what you have until it
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Or in this case,</div>
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Until it is almost gone. </div>
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Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-46570158837543232682013-01-18T08:30:00.003-04:002013-01-18T09:39:01.491-04:00Tonight<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->Tonight,<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After waking up for a midnight snack, Bug returned to sleep
in my arms.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She was sound asleep within 15 minutes. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I could have easily carried her upstairs and put her back
into the crib.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, instead I sat with her in my arms for almost an hour.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was watching something on my lap top and she was warm and
comfortable in my arms.<br />
So, I just decided to keep her there with me and enjoy one of those rare moments of peace.<br />
<br />
My attention wondering from my show, I watched her.<br />
When did her cheeks get so chubby?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Her hair so long?<br />
<br />
I wish I could soak every inch of her at this moment into my brain, so I never
forget.<br />
<br />
Ironically, as much as the weight (physically and mentally) of my children
wears me down, it also rises me up.<br />
<br />
I find myself, lying in the darkness craving my children.<br />
Almost wishing
someone would wake up so I could have a tiny and warm body beside me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Their existence completes my being.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One of the other two pieces that make me whole<br />
<br />
When we finally did make our way up the stairs,her head dropping backwards over my arm, her lips red and full from nursing; I was struck with a thought that made me pause at her door, and stare at her.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When will the day come that I no longer remember them as
babies? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Will I forget?<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is already happening. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bill and I look back at photos:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"We can't
believe they were ever that small"<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I close my eyes and I try to feel the memory of their tiny
bodies in my arms…and I can't quite remember. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s just out of my reach.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They are growing so fast, and even now, they are leaving
moments behind them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
It wasn't very long ago when the only way they would sleep was in their bouncy chairs. <br />
Now, they are to big to even sit in them...</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
...I will never bounce them to sleep again. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I don’t even remember the last time I bounced them to sleep
in their chairs. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We just stopped one day. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I didn’t know the day before that it would be the very last
time…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
…and if I did know, would I have taken a moment to savor
it?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To draw it out?</div>
To make it last?
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But we never do know when the last time for ANYTHING will
be. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It sneaks up on us. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Takes us by surprise. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We don’t even realize it has happened until we look back
and….</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Remember when…?” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are so many “last times” waiting for me </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Which of course is how
it is meant to be) </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
<br />
How do I teach myself to LIVE each
moment instead of “just getting through them”…? <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
And…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
How do I LIVE those moments
without fearing the end of them?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
I don’t suppose there is an
answer. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
All I know is what I have right
now.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
Two beautiful sleeping babies.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
Later tonight they will wake up, looking
for milk, and I will be there. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
We will nurse and cuddle in “the
big bed”.<br />
I will stroke their cheeks and
hair and kiss them all over. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
<br />
Because one day (too soon) I will barely remember..
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
How warm</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
How tiny</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
How sweet </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
How perfect </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
<br />
They both were.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWZg-Vw6tRxE2l7jhf_u70oj2f1a576MyXmGjriWPWeC3PrASNOKV4M6swpjkBugLpAelgsxjLFQeluLkJJHNUkZVojHjmOUc0XqilF4pYr-aLX4iq3y-hiOEnDGnswLXyWlnabG_uM4Hd/s1600/IMG-20120321-00047+(2)+edit+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWZg-Vw6tRxE2l7jhf_u70oj2f1a576MyXmGjriWPWeC3PrASNOKV4M6swpjkBugLpAelgsxjLFQeluLkJJHNUkZVojHjmOUc0XqilF4pYr-aLX4iq3y-hiOEnDGnswLXyWlnabG_uM4Hd/s640/IMG-20120321-00047+(2)+edit+1.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">6 Days old.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 406.1pt;">
</div>
Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-37691343073760561462013-01-04T22:27:00.000-04:002013-01-04T23:11:28.592-04:00Excuses<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->At first I felt guilty that I didn't blog about their 6
month "birthday". <br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
As if I missed commemorating a milestone.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, that's not really what this blog is about, is it?<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'm not really interested in writing about every
milestone/adorable thing they did or cute thing they wore.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I mean. Yeah. They are awesome and they do awesome things. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But...who cares?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
It is not as if I suddenly didn’t have anything to write
about. My children create an ample amount of material.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The truth is:<br />
<br />
I stopped, because by the end of the day, I had nothing left to give.<br />
<br />
The last 5 months have been a test of sanity.<br />
<br />
Now don't get me wrong...their first 3 months was TRUE insanity.<br />
Which is confusing, because despite that, I was able to write.<br />
<br />
I think I was able to, because I had to.<br />
I needed to have an outlet.<br />
A place to arrange my thoughts. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sorting out my own reality and fantasy.<br />
Being at home almost all day- everyday -messes with your mind.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In a small way, writing down my thoughts at night, made it
all seem a little less insane.<br />
<br />
Then one day, I just couldn't anymore.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I just didn't have the drive, the heart or the desire.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My days sucked!<br />
I didn't want to relive it!<br />
I certainly didn't want to try and put a positive spin on it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Blog about it.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Create some sort of illusion that I was,<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Embracing my challenges with humor, resourcefulness
and perseverance"<br />
<br />
Because I wasn't.<br />
Or at least I didn't feel like I was.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I felt like I was barely keeping it together.<br />
There were days were I was certain that if I didn’t hold on tight enough,
everything would unravel. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That I would lose myself completely.<br />
<br />
Sure we had good days.<br />
Watching my kids grow has been amazing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I regret nothing. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They are my world.<br />
<br />
HOWEVER<br />
<br />
For every perfect happy moment there was three or four horrible, terrible, mind
numbing moments looming right behind it.<br />
<br />
And this went on for weeks.<br />
Weeks turned into months.<br />
<br />
Every day was exactly like the day before.<br />
Children screaming.<br />
Demanding every ounce of me.<br />
Being torn in two directions, never being able to fully satisfy either one.<br />
Feeling failure in physically being only one person.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Only half of a mother for each child.<br />
<br />
I dreaded getting up and I dreaded going to sleep. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because there was never an end.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No one ever stopped needing.<br />
<br />
And honestly?<br />
Who wants to read about that.<br />
<br />
What it came down to, is that I didn't want this place to become an endless
string of seemingly depressed thoughts.<br />
<br />
Because that's not me.<br />
And that wasn't what was happening.<br />
<br />
Like I said.<br />
Things are still super hard.<br />
But things are better.<br />
SO much has changed.<br />
There is light.<br />
Every new stage leaves an old challenge behind, and brings with it, one or two
more.<br />
<br />
I am not unique.<br />
I don't think my feelings are "new".</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have said it once and I will say it again;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Every mother is given her own challenge... mine just happens
to be twins. <br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Anyway.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That is why I stopped. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That is my “excuse”.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m hoping to be back more.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW-vNyRZZ9xmc_CmOXjeSQFwU2eo2AxLQts3nLPfOe_PZYx5gx1yvIhYxtkLgFHDmKmcH_2Fm7qTnG2t1jTY_B_zqiczia-ZOLpYvFp9yO03iZlXvgiv704sHDfCkuEtHl5j4ZOEbHF4ep/s1600/21878_258806237047_3115803_n(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW-vNyRZZ9xmc_CmOXjeSQFwU2eo2AxLQts3nLPfOe_PZYx5gx1yvIhYxtkLgFHDmKmcH_2Fm7qTnG2t1jTY_B_zqiczia-ZOLpYvFp9yO03iZlXvgiv704sHDfCkuEtHl5j4ZOEbHF4ep/s640/21878_258806237047_3115803_n(1).jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-74905314904871036852013-01-02T20:11:00.000-04:002013-01-18T09:44:34.772-04:00While I Was Away<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I have no idea where the last 5 months have gone. </span><br />
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I honestly do feel like I JUST wrote that last August post.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">My babies are NINE months old now.</span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMpegBeW_H6tvTaM5RwqUZtm-yWy-LQH-VKXzW_CD-nhtp6PQYblB9Z_5x1YDJ76D-AMovzNQepDXlXsgG8Ik8tanHQVT6gtgAwObega897Cb6aa5J8dgkC8jemE7lPyEB8UdFrnAGujzl/s1600/IMG_9636.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMpegBeW_H6tvTaM5RwqUZtm-yWy-LQH-VKXzW_CD-nhtp6PQYblB9Z_5x1YDJ76D-AMovzNQepDXlXsgG8Ik8tanHQVT6gtgAwObega897Cb6aa5J8dgkC8jemE7lPyEB8UdFrnAGujzl/s640/IMG_9636.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Bug and Badger Christmas @ 9 months </td></tr>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Can you imagine?</span></div>
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<br />
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">They DO things now.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">They sleep (mostly) through the night.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">They crawl.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">They stand.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">They have these....personalities. </span></div>
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<br />
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I am in awe of them.</span><br />
<br />
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">As for myself?</span></div>
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<br />
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Things are changing.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Everything is still REALLY hard. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I can't let myself actually think about how hard it is. </span></div>
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<br />
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">But. </span></div>
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<br />
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I know how to deal with it better. (maybe?)</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">And honestly?</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I see more good moments then bad.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I want to try and start writing again, though I didn’t fully stop while I
was "away".</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I'm going to post what I did manage to write here now, although so much has
changed since then. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">It is actually crazy how much things can change in just a few months. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I'm not going to edit what I wrote over the last few months, because if I do, it will never get posted. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">So bare with the structural mistakes.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">And besides. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I admitted my grammatical faults from day 1 :) </span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyZjP8H_WwMMn-Bsfw7hS40WtORWwJdgCssBmoTZIvkUWrPmvHBvnDx8vG_4lBfxUQlecn5xYTbrqptP38pNqeQbZdbTmQrIvMF-QBBaRos42nPsYky_fBncupwzq1aNCStqvvwM0kYKfJ/s1600/665371_10151179078789342_1373781357_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyZjP8H_WwMMn-Bsfw7hS40WtORWwJdgCssBmoTZIvkUWrPmvHBvnDx8vG_4lBfxUQlecn5xYTbrqptP38pNqeQbZdbTmQrIvMF-QBBaRos42nPsYky_fBncupwzq1aNCStqvvwM0kYKfJ/s640/665371_10151179078789342_1373781357_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Above: Badger Below: Bug @ 8 Months </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAvjpFzdXymuSpM5q0dBFv2XRxE-1lPhyphenhyphenuGuZZCUYBhH6YEqQEgZPo_OM2v-3uhekUWMYeAAPdngFiy72TYOdnoxhz-DKh98WQ4yxB27U-Q18UYRrQV1rmKUxObVfheerq3RO57EW38BaA/s1600/703791_10151201087024342_1386922996_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAvjpFzdXymuSpM5q0dBFv2XRxE-1lPhyphenhyphenuGuZZCUYBhH6YEqQEgZPo_OM2v-3uhekUWMYeAAPdngFiy72TYOdnoxhz-DKh98WQ4yxB27U-Q18UYRrQV1rmKUxObVfheerq3RO57EW38BaA/s640/703791_10151201087024342_1386922996_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Seriously. How are these even my babies! </td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">_____</span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">September 18, 2012</span></b></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I wish I knew why I suddenly can't sleep. </span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"> I'm exhausted all the time, so there is no reason why, physically, I
shouldn't be asleep the second my head hits a soft surface. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I mean, that had been what had been happening for the last 5 months. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Being constantly overwhelmed by babies had that advantage.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">It completely over rode any type of insomnia. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">But NOW, for the last 3 weeks, whenever I try to sleep, I can't.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I lie awake, tossing and turning.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I don’t really have anything to think about or to dwell on, the way that I
used to.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Although my life is super full and rewarding with the "love of my
family"</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">etc.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">It is also very empty.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I simply don't do things for myself anymore.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I certainly do not have experiences that are "baby un-related"</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">In a way, I can't help but feel like I am losing who I was.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I find it hard to be around my friends who don't have children- especially
females.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Mostly because I literally have nothing to say.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">People as me, "What's new?"</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">...and...well...</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Nothing. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Nothing is "new"</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Unless you count backing into your sister in laws car. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Which I must, because that has been my "what's new" answer for
the last 2 months. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Most of the time, my mind is completely void of anything unrelated to the
babies.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">...and, who wants to talk to that? </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">SO.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">If my mind is blank and I'm physically exhausted...why can't I sleep? </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I guess I have been worrying about going back to work/ realizing that I
really can't go back to work. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Paying for child care for two children, at this point, makes very little
sense.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I basically would be working to pay someone elses salary, while missing my
children’s first few years. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Financially and emotionally it doesn’t make sense, and going back to simply
leave the house...seems, I don’t no...selfish?</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I hate the realization that I may have to completely abandon my job. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I really do fear that I will never get a job like it again. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I worked hard for it; and even though it isn't really something that I
love, it made me respect myself. I was proud. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">It made me feel like a grown-up.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Thinking and dwelling about my "career" sends me into a big self-loathing
spiral.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I feel generally like a failure when it comes to "who I am" in
the work force.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I, for some reason, was never able to achieve any of the educational goals
I set out to do (beyond my Bachelor’s degree).</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I had so many dreams of what I wanted to do, and who I wanted to be, and I
never really achieved any of them.I'm scared that, when I AM ready to go back to work, I won't be able to get
my "career" back. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">That I will only have a "job".</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I know I should go back to school, but I don't even know where to begin. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I can't stomach another 4 years of, well...anything.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">and honestly? </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I feel like I am too old to start again. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I don’t even know what I would do. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">SO. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">There it is I guess. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br />
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I guess I knew why I couldn’t sleep all along.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">_______________________________________________________________________</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">August 24, 2012</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Wondering the house at night, I think about the things I would do with my
time if I was simply "taking a year off".</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br />
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Something along the lines of what the well to do would call a
"sabbatical" .</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br />
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I would knit. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Finally dig deep and let all the ideas I have locked away in my brain flow
forth and create beautiful pieces. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I honestly could cry thinking about my surplus of beautiful skeins of wool
just sitting in the spare room closet. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">My hands literally ache to knit something, anything...but i neither have
the time or the energy. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I would read and re-read; fat novels by authors I love, in which I would
devour like sweets in my pare time. Margart Atwood, Barbra Kingslover, Wally
Lamb, Timothy Findley, Yann Martel, Kurt Vonnegut. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Living the words I dream that I had the talent to create.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Mostly I would just BE. I would listen to music, relax, enjoy a meal. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I know that these days WILL be back.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">That I will arrive where I once had been. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Some days it is just hard to see my destination through the fog. </span></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKW1lMHF7fSbodVyMAnKrLnsta2kQn7kZwiwqadGriB61cfHseOPooTC6HpRXMkFxa6s1AEB9PPW80IrsAbL8IrL-atBkON78qXCQlitZQC3eux4skL7vFfBdKXpcJvR4WcpPAgGG2vFbB/s1600/twins1-21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKW1lMHF7fSbodVyMAnKrLnsta2kQn7kZwiwqadGriB61cfHseOPooTC6HpRXMkFxa6s1AEB9PPW80IrsAbL8IrL-atBkON78qXCQlitZQC3eux4skL7vFfBdKXpcJvR4WcpPAgGG2vFbB/s640/twins1-21.jpg" width="426" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Badger, Bug and Me @ 7 months </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
</div>
Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-78945673402957078762012-08-06T17:09:00.001-03:002012-08-06T23:23:47.403-03:00Crib Notes<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Things have changed so much over the last 2 months. Both
babies are so much more alert and expressive. They both smile now, and laugh.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They play with toys, they “tummy time” it like pros and can
roll from their stomach to their back.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They are starting to be interested in what we are eating and
want the things that we have.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They recognize us by our faces and our voices, they even recognize
each other (which is stupid cute!).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All of these things make the daily grind totally worth it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The best change so far (or at least the most practical), is
that they will now sleep in their cribs.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This was something I was sure would never happen. I was
positive that I was doomed to have two children in my bed, beside me, until
they were well into their teens. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, I can’t just put them in the crib and they fall asleep.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That is not a thing. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That is not a thing that happens. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But they can be easily transferred into their cribs once
asleep and STAY asleep. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is EPIC. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Before, no matter what I did, no matter how sound asleep
they were, the second I placed them on the crib mattress their eyes would pop
open. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bringing me. Despairingly back. To square one. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In fact, after weeks of trying to get them into their cribs,
I just gave up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I went a couple of
months without even attempting it. What was the point? Why cause myself the
grief? Sure, I barely slept with them in bed with me…but it was a small price
to pay for the silence.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And you know what?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I probably STILL would be avoiding the cribs if it wasn’t
for Bug. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One night, just like many other nights before it, Bug had
fallen asleep on her pillow (while nursing).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She had been asleep for several hours and begun to stir (hungry again I
assumed).<br />
I cursed myself, for not going to bed when I had the chance, and so, feeling fairly defeated, I carried her upstairs to change her and then bring her to bed with me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At this time the crib
in the nursery was serving as a glorified changing station (the second crib
located in our room was not being used at all). I laid her down and changed
her; she wasn’t fussing, so I took the opportunity to brush my teeth. When I
came back she was still and oddly quiet; I peered at her in the dim light. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She was asleep.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I stood there, just staring at my daughter as if I had never
seen her before.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What I was seeing didn’t make any sense. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I peered again, hovering my face inches above hers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She was asleep. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I didn’t know what to do. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The evidence was right in front of my face, but I found it
unbelievable.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Inconceivable. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I went into the spare room (where Bill had been seeking solace
form our crowded bed) and woke him up. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“She’s asleep” I whispered at him though the dark.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“That’s good.” he said, beyond half asleep</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“NO!” I hissed. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You don’t understand, she’s asleep in the crib!”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I sat down on the corner of the bed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What do I do?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He told me to go to bed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I did. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She woke up after about 30 minutes, but it was something.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was more than “something”.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was hope.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I tried the crib again the next night (the one in our
bedroom), this time carrying her up soon after she had fallen asleep.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was skeptical, positive the night before was nothing more
than a fluke.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was wrong; she slept for over an hour. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Over the following week, I did the same every night, and
every night she slept in the crib a little bit longer.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was triumphant!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had won the battle!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The war however, was waiting for me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Badger. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Badger has been fighting since the<a href="http://alongcame2.blogspot.ca/2012/05/birth-story-part-one-honesty.html" target="_blank"> moment he was born.</a> He
fights me, he fights his father and he even fights himself; especially when it
comes to sleep. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Despite being clearly exhausted, Badger will fight against
his own heavy and closing eyelids until the very last moment.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know what this child is capable of, and I wasn’t looking
forward to whatever he had planned for me in regards to the crib. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had come so far! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had 50% of my children out of my bed, but I wanted that 100%.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I could taste it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was time.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With Bug happily asleep in the crib and Badger passed out on
my bed, I attempted to move him to his new spot beside her. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I picked him up slowly, gently; moving with calculated preciseness,
I didn’t even breathe.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I lowered him into the crib and by carefully maneuvering my hands, his
body finally rested against the mattress.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The moment of truth had come. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Before I could even blink his eyed popped open, he threw his
arms and legs violently into the air… and then, before I could blink a second time, his
eyes closed, his entire body shuddered and he collapsed back into sleep.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I almost turned around, positive I would see a man standing
behind me holding a tranquilizer gun.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For a second time in as many weeks, I found myself standing in front of a crib being gob smacked by my children. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWgbZV_0fn_5EZIN-Lh_xrb-VPrN4_cCYR3BiDO8hG67EeiKeE9bEMWiyadu_KBCkExegjl25vCsuhP-CAqv5WExZzhkZoFwxVqQKuykxHNVRbbfqDCtmJ2_jsULscvUn40HDP4-y24W_b/s1600/DSCN4096.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWgbZV_0fn_5EZIN-Lh_xrb-VPrN4_cCYR3BiDO8hG67EeiKeE9bEMWiyadu_KBCkExegjl25vCsuhP-CAqv5WExZzhkZoFwxVqQKuykxHNVRbbfqDCtmJ2_jsULscvUn40HDP4-y24W_b/s640/DSCN4096.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
SO, now my kids sleep (mostly) in their cribs and it is brilliant.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
However.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I won’t lie. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I DO miss them in bed with me sometimes. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I miss lying beside them and watching them sleep, I miss
opening my eyes to see them just waking up with their big toothless smiles and
I even I miss them nuzzling towards me in their sleep, looking for milk.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am sad that we closed this chapter of their lives and
moved on to the next one, but, I am excited too.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lives are made to be lived just as books were made to be
read, and eventually, you have to get on with the story. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Also I have my husband back in bed with me, which is a
really big plus.</div>Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-51528599591161887852012-06-29T01:48:00.002-03:002012-06-29T01:48:43.323-03:00Big and Little<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDLYQVmbe62dOF-8XQ8cms7N7wi9Jrtrzd3-L5-bYPGFGs4gbPVCH_Tl2KF11jCmJpiteB6GEExfibGOpvQVIRc96oRVbx82yRcvbWxZkYCE1opt2EWd-725W6f9TcZNuOGKGzkjRF8c57/s1600/DSCN2355.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDLYQVmbe62dOF-8XQ8cms7N7wi9Jrtrzd3-L5-bYPGFGs4gbPVCH_Tl2KF11jCmJpiteB6GEExfibGOpvQVIRc96oRVbx82yRcvbWxZkYCE1opt2EWd-725W6f9TcZNuOGKGzkjRF8c57/s640/DSCN2355.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">As he lays on my lap, his eyes heavy and his lips red from nursing, I can
hardly believe he belongs to me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">That this moment is real. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I’m positive that every mother thinks her son is beautiful, handsome and
brilliant.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Perfect. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Those steel blue eyes and dark lashes…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Whomever he chooses to love will be lost in them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">When finally, the troubles of the world fall on his shoulders, will he still smile his sweet secret sleep smiles?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">It blows my mind to think that someday, he will be a grown man. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">With his own path and journey. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I can only protect him for so long.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">And then…well…we all have to let go. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I think our children are given to us at the exact moment we need them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">To swell and break our hearts</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">To know that we have hearts.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">To feel love in a way we never knew existed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Up until recently, there was only one person in this world whom I
loved enough, that if I thought about that love too much, I would panic </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">My throat burning with the realization, that my life, would shatter without them. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Now there are three people.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">And it's the most beautiful and painful thing in
the world.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-60296458118512688842012-06-29T01:28:00.000-03:002012-06-29T01:49:25.766-03:00Still HereTwo posts.<br />
<br />
One: <br />
A very short post to make myself feel better about not posting in almost 3 weeks <br />
<br />
and<br />
<br />
Two:<br />
<br />
A quick post to asking for patiance from those who actually do read this.<br />
I do have a new "real" post coming soon! <br />
<br />
My nights lately (the only real time I have to write) have been super baby busy, leaving me with very little energy to "do" much of anything. <br />
Please don't give up on me and check back!<br />
<br />
We are headed out tomorrow for our first "road trip" as a foursome. <br />
We are heading to Bills parents house for the Canada Day weekend. <br />
There are tons of family on Bills side that have not had a chance to meet the babies yet...I predict a busy weekend!<br />
<br />
I am partially dreading how a five hour drive is going to go. We are leaving in the evening (when Bill is done work). In theory, they should sleep better in the dark...right?<br />
<br />
Babies hate theories.<br />
<br />
Wish me luck. Ill need it.Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-7940419507375778942012-06-06T21:59:00.002-03:002012-06-06T22:43:56.417-03:00Just One Day<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Deep down I am
a loner at heart. I <u>LOVE</u> being left alone. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Even as a child
I was perfectly content to play by myself. I had a fantastic imagination. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">To me, being alone in my
bedroom was where I was comfortable. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">I do love being
with my friends and spending time with my husband, but there is just something
very Zen about being alone with ones thoughts. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Fast forward to
my new reality? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">(A husband AND
twins….)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Basically I am never alone. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Being a mom
really is a full time job. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">The hours are terrible and
the pay is non-existent. The people I work for are demanding, messy and
oblivious to my own needs.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span lang="EN">(Apparently payment is supposed to be in “their smiles” or something equally
lame)</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">My days are a
crazy whirl wind of feedings, diapers, spit up, meltdowns and even more
feedings.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">There are days
where it feels like the whole world needs a piece of me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Sometimes I
catch myself day dreaming of the simplest pleasures; A good book, a bath and an
inappropriately long nap.</span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Maybe the sheets are even clean! </span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Crisp and cool even!</span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">And maybe, just maybe, there are cookies. </span></div>
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<br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Most importantly, there is
no one who requires one bloody thing from me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Doesn’t that
sound like heaven?</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Part of me
thinks I might kick a puppy or two for such a time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Thankfully, I
am not alone. I do have a partner.</span></div>
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<br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">When Bill is not working, he
is completely hands on. He changes 90% of the diapers and takes care of them on
his own for at least 2 hours on Saturday and Sunday so I can have a nap. Every
night he takes charge of Badgers bed time routine so from 10:30pm to 5:00 am I
usually only have to deal with Bug. </span><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">His help is invaluable and I don’t think I
could do it without him.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">That being
said, during the week I am alone with both babies 12-14 hours a day. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Which is a long time.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span lang="EN">(Hats off to
all you single mothers and those with partners who work away.) </span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">There are days
where I feel like I simply cannot do it. Days where I am so tired that I feel
like I really can’t change another diaper or nurse another baby.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">I do it anyway
of course, but not always with a smile on my face. There are days where I cry
just as much as the babies do. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">I worked it
out.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">I’m literally sleeping (on
average) about 15-20 hours a week. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">A week. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Our day usually starts at 7am.</span></div>
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<br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Everyone is awake and everyone is hungry. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">We get up and go downstairs. Babies are changed and nursed.</span><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Then after, </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">1) a short happy period of alertness or </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">2) a cranky period of varying lengths and severity</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;"> they fall asleep for their first
nap.</span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">“Naps” are a loose concept with twins, (and single babies this young.)</span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">They
don’t necessarily want to nap at the same time, and are still too young to
force a true schedule on. Mostly you just take them as they come, and prey they
will last long enough to get something (anything!) done. </span></div>
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<br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Often one will fall asleep while the other screams through the others
nap…when the screaming child finally falls asleep….the previously sleeping
child wakes up and continues the screaming. </span></div>
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<br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">This can go on, non-stop, all day. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">This means no break, just shift after shift of babies.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">This is what we in the business call “a shitty day”.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Good days? We have them. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Good days mean they both nap around similar times and wake up slightly
staggered from each other. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Getting them to nap at the same time is always the ultimate goal; the sweet
spot. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">BUT…if they wake up at the same time, that is tricky too. Waking up at the
same time, means two very demanding, wet and hungry babies, who both want me
NOW! This can be really over whelming, but, we muddle through. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">So, both babies are asleep! What are you going to do?</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">To nap or eat? That is the question. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">If I am lucky enough to get them both asleep or, at the very least,
content, I usually make myself a sandwich and then try and snag a nap on the
couch. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">To be honest though, I usually never make it to the nap. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">If they are asleep I eat and watch a little TV. Then I do laundry or try
and clean up a bit…</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Basically, I’m tired; so I drag myself amongst the house trying to put the
pieces back together. Whether that means a load of laundry, loading the dish
washer or just picking up some of the crap that seems to pile up and explode
overnight. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">By 2pm it is almost guaranteed everyone is awake again (no matter what kind
of day we are having).</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">If it is a nice day I get them ready
to leave the house. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">This takes at LEAST an hour and is super stressful. (It goes MUCH smoother
when Bill is home and I’m not out numbered) </span></div>
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<br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Everybody needs to be fed, changed and dressed before we can even think
about going anywhere. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Sweaters need to be put on. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Nobody likes sweaters.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Bodies need to be strapped into car seats.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Nobody likes car seats.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Everybody screams. There are tears. Soothers are spit across the room in
anger.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Honestly? </span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">The only thing the powers me through “getting ready to go out” is
the knowledge that as soon as we start moving in the car or stroller the sweet,
sweet silence will follow.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Unless of course it’s windy…..</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Nobody likes the wind. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Eventually, we are finally out! It’s a lot of work, and there are days
where I can almost, not even bear the thought of getting them ready to go out,
but, once we are out I feel instantly better.</span></div>
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<br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Not being in the house is what sanity is made of. </span></div>
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<br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Now that the weather is getting nicer, I try to stay out with them as close
to 6pm as possible. That way when we get back home, the wait for Bill to be
finished work isn’t very long. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Bonus? After an afternoon out and about, both babies are usually completely
asleep when I get home, and will usually stay that way for a while. Usually. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Bill gets home from work anywhere between 6 and 7pm. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Around 730 I make supper and then attempt to eat it.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">I say “attempt” because Badger seems to have an uncanny 6<sup>th</sup>
sense. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">It is the ability to know the exact moment our supper is ready and on my
plate. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">That is his cue to promptly wake up. Screaming.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">SO demoralizing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">I INSIST that Bill eats his supper (It’s not like he can breast feed
anyway).</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">So, almost every night my supper sits until he is nursed and lulled back to
sleep (which can take up to an hour). </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Every night is like a game of “baby roulette”. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">The gamble is of how good or bad our night will go.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Sometimes one has a bad night, sometimes they both have bad nights and
sometimes, they both are just lovely. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Lovely nights mean TV shows, video games and internetting. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Bad nights mean simply trying to keep it all from unraveling. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Honestly?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">It really isn’t as bad as I make it sound.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Every week it gets a little better, with more good nights then bad. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">The thing to remember is that, none of this is forever. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">At 1030pm Bill is ready for bed, so it’s Badger’s bedtime too (Bill feeds
him a bottle of milk I pump)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">(The roughest nights are when Badger refuses to go to bed for Bill and he
is forced to bring him back downstairs to me.) </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">I stay up with Bug and when she is ready I nurse her to sleep.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">This is when I should “just go to bed”. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">But I often don’t. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Bill has Badger and Bug is asleep and it’s the only time I have to be
myself. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">I watch TV, I internet, I read and I pump milk. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">I NEED this time to be a better mom. If I didn’t sacrifice these few hours
of sleep, all my life would be is baby care. And I don’t think that is very
healthy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">I take Bug up to our bed around 130am and doze beside her. I can never
quite get myself to sleep; knowing that she will be awake again in an hour or
so. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">By 230am Bug is ready for another feed and Badger wakes around 3am for his
(Bill feeds and changes him). Badger usually wakes up again before 5am, at
which point Bill brings him to me and goes back to bed to catch a few more
minutes of sleep before he has to get up for work (5:30am).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">If I am lucky Badger will nurse back to sleep and Bug will stay asleep through
the whole ordeal. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">730am comes pretty quickly after that.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Some mornings I can trick them back to sleep by nursing them together and I
am able to catch a couple extra hours. Glorious.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Today was not unlike any other day. Everyone needed from me, and I gave it.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">We slog through diaper explosions, tandem freak-outs and a particularly
stressful trip to the store.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">By the time Bill gets home I’m exhausted. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">I make dinner and eventually, after feeding everyone else, I eat my own.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Finally, after getting both babies down for their evening nap, I have a
shower.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Passing Bill in the hall he stops me and gives me a kiss. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">I instantly feel guilty. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">I can’t help but feel annoyed at what should be a sweet moment.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">It is the realization that my husband also needs from me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">I smile but brush him off. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">He says he understands.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">I promise that it won’t be like this forever.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">1030pm arrives. Bill and Badger are ready for bed. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Goodnight Mum.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Goodnight Dad.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">It isn’t long before I hear them both snoring.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">I sit alone (with Bug sleeping beside me) in the quiet living room and
sigh.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">As usual, at 1:30am I carry Bug up to bed and doze until she is ready to
eat again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">She wakes quietly, with little coos and (now) smiles. I change her and
bring her back to bed to nurse her back to sleep. She falls asleep easily. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Around 3am I finally close my eyes for true sleep. It will be only a few
hours until Badger needs me again. Letting my body relax I am so grateful for
the (if I’m lucky) two hours of silence. For the moment everybody is satisfied
and requires nothing from me. My head against the pillow feels amazing. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">I’m
just about to submit to sleep when I feel it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">A feather light “thump" near my feet, followed by, cautious paws
walking along my body. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">I open an eye. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">"purrrlerpt!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">"Come on if you're coming"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Happy purrs and fluffy paws demand pets as he makes a nest on my chest.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">He keeps me awake for another 20 minutes, but it’s worth it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: small;">Sleep is over rated anyway. </span><br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfRoEPKVcAiIkE6EKZBBOkoMRD9me15uG77bQQWOdP27VX4gHza9S2dO_YsPq4F32QZexv8iFRifFKjgWZ1eMur1wqA__AvlmIfXUpmtYthQkjPFHx4MfGRnYokV1eeenouhzsbhteZxFz/s1600/DSCN0232.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfRoEPKVcAiIkE6EKZBBOkoMRD9me15uG77bQQWOdP27VX4gHza9S2dO_YsPq4F32QZexv8iFRifFKjgWZ1eMur1wqA__AvlmIfXUpmtYthQkjPFHx4MfGRnYokV1eeenouhzsbhteZxFz/s640/DSCN0232.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-84439760820718117142012-05-13T23:23:00.000-03:002012-05-14T00:06:08.928-03:00The Birth Story! Part Two: Getting On With It<br />
<br />
<i><span lang="EN">So As you learned in Part 1, my babies lack of co-operation started early. </span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span lang="EN"><b><a href="http://alongcame2.blogspot.ca/2012/05/birth-story-part-one-honesty.html" target="_blank">(Missed Part 1? - Here it is!) </a></b></span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">At 28 weeks they both decided that "upside down" would be the
best way to hang out- and they stayed that way until the very end.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">The specialist thought that for the safety of all three of us, that the
babies should be born via a scheduled C- Section. It was scheduled for March
15th.</span><br />
<span lang="EN">If baby A decided that they would like to flip back around before then, I
would be able to try for a natural child birth.</span><br />
<span lang="EN">I found this news beyond devastating-
I REALLY wanted to deliver my babies vaginally. ... but more on that another
day (maybe...).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"> </span></div>
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<span lang="EN">My surgery was the first one scheduled for the day – 7:30am- and we were to be
at the hospital for 6am. I was fine with the early time as I knew there would
be no way that I would sleep the night before.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I was right, I didn’t sleep at
all.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I laid awake all night (and early into that morning) rubbing my hands over
my stomach and wondering "who" I was going to meet in a few hours
time. I was excited, anxious and scared. The idea of the surgery terrified me
and the fear that there would be something wrong with my babies made my head
spin. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm10PvhLlarzCAnk33kVFFXTfwCs1AcDqjLUkI57D8ULZwSTglD85pc6lx0vfORBYGha2UjzL6C1m926IoMly0EpM4lIGfCdURNRC-mW5mhtILrBtbaVknhgqDd_4ew04eQXh6tZJZwjOp/s1600/DSCN0905.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="478" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm10PvhLlarzCAnk33kVFFXTfwCs1AcDqjLUkI57D8ULZwSTglD85pc6lx0vfORBYGha2UjzL6C1m926IoMly0EpM4lIGfCdURNRC-mW5mhtILrBtbaVknhgqDd_4ew04eQXh6tZJZwjOp/s640/DSCN0905.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">5:30am March 15th - Bill cleans off the car before we head to the hospital.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Driving to the hospital was surreal and Bill and I did not say much to
each other. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">What was there to say? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">We both had too many feelings to talk about anyway. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">Once at the hospital we were more ourselves. Making inappropriate jokes and
nervously passing the time before the doctors were ready for us. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">Bill looked funny in his scrubs and we laughed that he needed the 'womans
cap' to cover all of his hair- which we found pretty funny. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Walking into the operating room was scary.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">It did not look like what I thought it would. It was much smaller then I
imagined and not nearly as "cold" feeling as I feared it would be.
There were so many people in the room (we had twice as many doctors because it
was a twin birth). The anesthesiologist was beyond wonderful and he helped me
to find the little bit of calmness that I had inside me. Everything was very
real and completely unreal at the same time. Bill tried to keep the mood light
by making a few jokes....but I could see in his face that everything was much
more intense then he imagined that it would be. In the end- all he could really
do was hold my hand- which was all I needed because I could not focus my brain
on much more than that. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I was VERY nervous. I tried to be as brave as I could be- for Bill.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN">The tears escaped anyway. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">I couldn’t speak, I shook.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">I was the most frightened I have ever been in my entire life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I beyond feared the epidural. It was the last thing I wanted. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">We had planned for a completely natural childbirth. I didn’t want any pain
medication- and I did NOT want an epidural. To me it was just one more of my choices
that was taken from me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">It was also a needle in my spine...which terrified me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">The epidural turned out to be not as bad as I feared. It sucked and it
hurt- but it wasn’t the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I got through
it. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Then it was time to lie down. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">The hardest part was giving up my control; Lying down and just doing what I
was told. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">I knew that everything I was doing was for the best and for my babies- but
it was still hard.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">So, I just lay there, trying to remain calm and waiting for my body to numb
and listening to the doctors prep around me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I hear them counting tools. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">1 "clink"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">2 "clink"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">3 "clink"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">4 "clink"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">One nurse hanging the sheet above my chest so Bill and I could not see
anything. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">Another reading numbers out loud from one of the many machines. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">A disembodied voice of the doctor from the other side of the sheet telling
me they were “going to start now”. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">The surgery felt slow. I felt no pain- but could feel the pressure, the tugs
and the pulls. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">I tried to think of other things</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">Suddenly my chest felt painful and heavy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">I couldn't breathe. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">It was a fight to bring in enough air to tell Bill what was happening. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">My brain got fuzzy and the edges of my vision darkened. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">I hear Bill in a very scared voice </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"> </span><i><span lang="EN">"She can’t breathe..." </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I hear the doctor repeating my name, telling me everything was fine and to
try and take deep breaths. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">It feels like forever, but eventually I am able to take a full breath
again. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">I find Bills eyes. “I’m OK”, I tell him. He squeezes my hand.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">It felt like forever before I heard the cry of our first born. </span><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN"><i>(Not really a cry- but a scream!)</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Bug- our beautiful daughter. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">Then, seconds later- our son.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">Badger. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br />
<span lang="EN">We both cried then. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Not because we were happier for our son than our daughter- but because it
was all so perfect. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">We had gotten exactly what we wanted. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">The blessing of it all was amazing. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Every fear, every pain, every altered decision and every moment of those nine
months came to ahead, and it was all worth it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">They bring me Bug, and hold her above me for a moment.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">She is so beautiful; amazingly beautiful. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I am shocked at how instantly and
intensely I love her.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">It is all I can say- repeating over and over again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><i>"Isn't she beautiful?"</i></span><br />
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS-Fkos753CF_JnsUOYAK9xFMD-XAc75m6sJt3TwRS3tgckf7zQeGN2y4JZDVHBl9q9otFqHhgkqjRj4po_83diXm0rvJsvmVL67tziIOT5kMu1_uUptY4JZWviBrX4zjTesbwCwq2ImnQ/s1600/DSCN0910.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS-Fkos753CF_JnsUOYAK9xFMD-XAc75m6sJt3TwRS3tgckf7zQeGN2y4JZDVHBl9q9otFqHhgkqjRj4po_83diXm0rvJsvmVL67tziIOT5kMu1_uUptY4JZWviBrX4zjTesbwCwq2ImnQ/s640/DSCN0910.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Baby Bug (minutes old)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><i> </i> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">Both babies are taken to be cleaned up and checked over. </span><br />
<span lang="EN"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Bill leaves me for a moment to be with them. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span lang="EN"><i>"Are they OK??" </i>- I'm desperate to know. </span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span><br />
<span lang="EN"><i>"Yes-Perfect"</i>- an unknown voice assures me </span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">After a couple minutes Bill is back beside me with Bug and I am given Badger. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">He is perfect. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">I cannot stop staring at him. His cheeks are deliciously chubby.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicuBqCgQKHbzga2Xe5Gs_4LYoPFMl4Le_Pog3ddh89tG3c_QbHCGQIc4Tsq3HrLf5k5OKvF9p5mDHYp-nQfYMD4hS81SfLkP09Hd8YDhkIDn4mwGOKUUhTLhxFyxZVFq25Z11htbqWNx4q/s1600/DSCN0913.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="438" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicuBqCgQKHbzga2Xe5Gs_4LYoPFMl4Le_Pog3ddh89tG3c_QbHCGQIc4Tsq3HrLf5k5OKvF9p5mDHYp-nQfYMD4hS81SfLkP09Hd8YDhkIDn4mwGOKUUhTLhxFyxZVFq25Z11htbqWNx4q/s640/DSCN0913.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Badger (minutes old and already fighting)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">We have a few moments together - but things are getting fuzzy again- and I can’t
breath- I have to ask to have him taken away- I could barely hold onto him. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">Things level back out for me and finally (after what feels like ages) the
surgery is done. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">We spend hours in recovery because my body temperature dropped so low due
to blood loss. I was wrapped from head to toe in heated blankets (which
honestly, was very cozy)It is at least 2 hours before I am allowed to even
hold them (they didn’t want them to take any more heat from me- or me heat from
them. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">Establishing early skin to skin contact with us was important- so because I
couldn’t, Bill took off his shirt and sat with them on his chest – all three of
them wrapped in a blanket. It was beautiful and gut wrenching. I was beautiful
watching my husband with our babies, but gut wrenching that they were so close
and I couldn’t even hold them. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Finally, a new nurse comes on duty and declares me warm enough. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">Bug is placed in my arms for the first time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN"> I nurse her. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">She is perfect.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">Eventually I would have both of them in my arms, and for that, I have no
words. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiU7dd3TlmIsyllRZchDSbvBFcsVkBXp48aF8kiu9HyEdCXWG5e_4ag5rFOZBNPg36yDeRFXJuvAmaNBrfSd0sdOrLGkaBNQ2D5DvoXSjQh9yYvbZzlGUTuk6C-YpxSyXUWEWe945mmCuu/s1600/DSCN0944.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiU7dd3TlmIsyllRZchDSbvBFcsVkBXp48aF8kiu9HyEdCXWG5e_4ag5rFOZBNPg36yDeRFXJuvAmaNBrfSd0sdOrLGkaBNQ2D5DvoXSjQh9yYvbZzlGUTuk6C-YpxSyXUWEWe945mmCuu/s640/DSCN0944.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Holding my babies together for the first time</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I was in the hospital for five days, partly for them, and partly for me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">But we are beyond lucky. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Amazingly lucky. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">To have two perfectly healthy, full term twins. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Our lives will never be the same. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span><br />
<i><span lang="EN"><b>NOTE</b>: You may have noticed that I changed Turtle Man's name to "Badger". In his first few days we took to calling him Turtle Man because of the way he would purse his lips, tense his entire body and stretch his neck out (almost like a turtle peaking out of its shell). After we got him home he quickly became Badger (though we actually call him<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg" target="_blank"> "Honey Badger"</a>) due to his ravenous appetite, grunty growls and his "take what he wants" attitude. I just didn't feel like I truly writing about him whenever I typed "Turtle Man" SO- I just had to change it! </span></i></div>Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-74539008790865454562012-05-01T23:45:00.000-03:002012-05-13T23:31:09.690-03:00The Birth Story! Part One: False Alarms<i><br /></i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN">So here it is, the birth story.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN">In two parts. </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN">I'm breaking it up this way mostly because it is long- but also because to me, it really is a two part story.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Bug and Badger were born on March 15<sup>th</sup>, but, their birth story
begins on February 8<sup>th</sup>- a Wednesday.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I hadn’t been feeling “right” all day. Cramping and generally feeling
gross. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">By the time Bill got home from work I wasn’t feeling any better- so I
eventually broke down and decided to call the nurses line and see what they
thought. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">They told me to come in just to be sure- I felt so silly. I figured they
would just send me home. It turns out I was already 1cm dilated (which is not a
big deal- you can be at 1cm for weeks). BUT they decided that with both babies
being breech that it was too much of a risk to send me home- they wanted to
keep me for 24 hours and give me two shots of steroids to help their lungs just
in case they insisted on being born. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">So, they admitted me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">My cramping got worse during the night and by the time morning rolled
around I was having contractions every 5 minutes. They weren’t really
painful...more just really uncomfortable, mostly just a lot of pressure. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">I ended up having to stay for two nights and most of the third day. There
was definitely a point where I thought they were going to make me stay until the
babies had come (mostly because they said, "you might be here until the
babies come").Thankfully though- they let me go home (on a modified bed rest)
to be uncomfortable there.</span><br />
<br />
<i><span lang="EN">Physically from here on, my pregnancy would be pretty uneventful (though I would continue to have mild contractions right up until the week they were born...fun!) it was the emotional side of things that got a little rough. </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">After I got home from the hospital- I didn’t know how to feel. I felt
nothing like myself. All I could focus on was all the little things that needed
to be done before the babies actual did come. I was so overwhelmed with the
feeling that my days were numbered. I felt more and more like I was disappearing
inside of myself- floating around in some sort of haze. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">My thoughts would constantly swirl out of control. One minute hoping the
babies would just hurry up and come and the next, dreading their arrival. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Moments of pure excitement followed directly by moments of fear. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I questioned if we had done the right thing; deciding to get
pregnant?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">Had I trapped myself into something I was no longer sure about?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">I have always wanted children, to be a mother. I had always thought that it
was the only thing in my life that I was actually meant to do. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">...but, TWO babies?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN"> At once? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">The reality of it all would crash down on me during the most mundane
moments. Flooding towards me, un-expectantly, as I watched TV, brushed my teeth
or made dinner. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">My brain, filling with self-doubt and my heart crushing under the weight of
it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">Was I really cut out for it? Was I really ready for my life to completely
change? My head would spin with the things that I would have to give up. The
freedom I would sacrifice....the identity I would lose. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I would try to talk to Bill- tell him how I felt. Hoping that maybe he felt
the same way too. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Hoping that he too, felt the same lingering doubts and would assure me that they
were nothing more than nerves, and that everything would be just fine. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">But, I could never find the courage to say the words. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">Not really. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">His enthusiasm for it all, the way he seemed to doubt nothing; instead of
making me feel stronger, only made me feel worse. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Lying in our bed, in the coward-ness of darkness I would whisper to him;</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">"What if I hate it?" </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">"You won’t hate it...I hope you don't hate it" </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN">(But what if I do......)</span></i><span lang="EN"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">"What if there is something wrong with them?" </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">"Then we will deal with it" – his voice full of confidence </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN">(I don’t think I could deal with it....)</span></i><span lang="EN"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">My guilt only made worse with the realization, that my husband, was a way
better person then I could ever hope to be. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Deep down I know that all of this was just nervousness, simply the fear of
the unknown. Once my babies were in my arms all of the doubt would wash away.
Despite every fear I had, I knew that if given the choice I would not change
one thing. That a life where I did not have two babies growing inside me, created
with the one person I loved more than I thought possible, would be a life that
I would regret not having. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Right? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>(to be continued...)</i><br />
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY4g3WF7GGfrgnMSavtZVmcp285rOtCfJ3io5SMjfAcu1SrS74RBm1WRb1eFNHqXPRNzxFIa1hurcuZL00xG6UCDS-ivxb6wInF4ZKP_Pz9_Q9qQQylPnLRHNqsxFKFkMKpji886avbBD-/s1600/392265_10150453646237048_500527047_8624040_1900675979_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY4g3WF7GGfrgnMSavtZVmcp285rOtCfJ3io5SMjfAcu1SrS74RBm1WRb1eFNHqXPRNzxFIa1hurcuZL00xG6UCDS-ivxb6wInF4ZKP_Pz9_Q9qQQylPnLRHNqsxFKFkMKpji886avbBD-/s640/392265_10150453646237048_500527047_8624040_1900675979_n.jpg" width="480" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">25 weeks....still a long way to grow...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-77373140924456344282012-04-30T03:00:00.001-03:002012-05-13T23:30:44.313-03:00Eight Pounds<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think Bug had a rough day today.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know I did. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today really was the peak, and subsequent breaking point of
a rough week.<br />
Add to that, two nights of very little sleep, and you make for a
very emotional and fed up mama. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I felt completely
used up, as if I did not have one ounce in me left to give.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I spent most of the day in tears.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The last few days I
have found myself blankly going through the motions: change Bug, feed Bug, change Badger, feed Badger, followed by constantly rocking and bouncing
both of them until it’s time to start the cycle all over again. I can manage to
steal moments here and there to throw in a load of laundry or make a sandwich,
but in general, these babies are pretty high maintenance. Although,who’s babies aren’t? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The most frustrating moments are when I have
them both finally asleep, and the simple act of me leaving the room will wake
them. I spend so much time just sitting
on the couch bouncing their chairs with my feet and getting nothing done.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway- Today was the day in which 6 weeks of babies finally
caught up with me, and caught up with me hard. Luckily it is Sunday and Bill was here to take some of the
load off. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As for Bug, I think that she is going through her<a href="http://www.whattoexpect.com/first-year/ask-heidi/baby-growth-spurts.aspx" style="color: #a64d79;" target="_blank"> 6 week growth spurt</a><b style="color: #a64d79;">.</b> She has been absolutely miserable. The only thing that makes her happy is being
nursed. All she seemed to do today was
scream, fuss and cry. Nothing made her
happy. Not her bouncy seat, not my arms, not Bills arms, not our walk to the
store and certainly not the new swing I just shelled out $50.00 for. At one
point she even cried as she ate!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She is sleeping sweetly in my arms now; it is the first all
day she has seemed at peace. The poor little thing must be exhausted. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hate the "cliché-ness" of it all, but looking at her little
face does make the absolute horror that was today a little more bearable.</div>
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I wish my camera was in arms reach so I could attempt to capture
her in this moment, though I know a photo would never do it justice. </div>
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No one
else could ever see her the way I do.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I can’t help but give her soft little kisses, even if it
risks waking her up.</div>
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Honestly? I’m a little terrified of this 8lb little
girl who can single handily bring me to my brink and back again.</div>
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<br /></div>Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-8694908200620271642012-04-28T00:40:00.000-03:002012-05-13T23:30:14.496-03:00Who We Become<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes (OK- often) I get really overwhelmed with the
babies, and I cannot help but think about my life before they were here, and miss
it a little (…OK- a lot). There are many things that I wished I could have done
before I had decided to have children; trips I wanted to take, things I wanted
to buy, experiences I wanted to have.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, I think about those things, and
I get scared that now, I will never be able to have them. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Someone once told me that you cannot spend your life afraid
of taking the next big step simply because you hadn’t taken the smaller steps that
you think should have come first. They told me that if I spent my life waiting
for that “perfect time”, I might just end up missing out on things I never knew
I could have. If Bill and I hadn’t decided
to have a baby when we did, we may never have ended up with the twins. We would
have missed out on something wonderful we didn’t even know we could have had.</div>
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<br /></div>
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There are so many things I still want to do, and though I am
a little frightened about this new path my life is leading, I don’t regret it. When
I get a longing for how things used to be, my new life always finds a way to
shock me back into realizing how wonderful my new reality is.<br />
<br />
I hope I can stay grounded and remember to take everything
one day at a time. I hope I can remember that being a mother doesn’t mean that I
have lost “who I was” but, created a better “who I am”.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDvdLDbYL5VOn74A481SLl-We2aBteHirY92ftQ2ydaDwzUhFxmbqkqWnu9Syc2KM1wNXzG92YWV0Il21JnSidPX-bvhmfQrwbVwi0r9JDY7g8Xf9qK3wiR4mcRL51yyAba6i-mBlewg7A/s1600/DSCN1828.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDvdLDbYL5VOn74A481SLl-We2aBteHirY92ftQ2ydaDwzUhFxmbqkqWnu9Syc2KM1wNXzG92YWV0Il21JnSidPX-bvhmfQrwbVwi0r9JDY7g8Xf9qK3wiR4mcRL51yyAba6i-mBlewg7A/s640/DSCN1828.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-77885070897282055772012-04-23T00:45:00.001-03:002012-05-13T23:29:57.345-03:00An Introduction (of Sorts)<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: inherit;">
<span lang="EN"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: inherit;">
<span lang="EN"><b>Me?</b> I am 28 years old. I am a wife and I am a stay at home mother to five week old twins. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: inherit;">
<span lang="EN">I have one of each. A boy and a girl…and no…they are not identical
(obviously- though you’d be surprised how many people ask!). I love knitting, horror movies, music that rocks, reading in the bath tub and being left alone. </span><br />
<span lang="EN">Before this whole "married with children thing", I
went to University, did interesting things, traveled and worked my ass
off at one shitty and thankless job after another. My last job (the job I
worked my ass off to get) was as the Payroll manager for a popular cell
phone company. I loved it (I had my own freaking office!) and I loved
the people. Honestly, I miss it. And I worry that once the babies are
ready for me to leave them (in several years) if I'll be able to get a
job like that again.</span><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN"><b>My babies?</b> They are Badger and Bug (obviously not their real names). We are just getting to know each other, but so far they are pretty cool. They are completely unique and I cannot imagine my life without them.</span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span><br />
<span lang="EN"><b>My husband?</b> His name is Bill. He works incredibly hard and loves me more then I ever imagined anyone could love me. He is my rock and my world. People are confused by our bickering and teasing, but its just how we roll. We try not to take ourselves too seriously. He is literally the only person on this earth who "gets" me. </span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje6vs8iaYxx4H3lE3U2hBgRfpAKk8vccOz_VktgzzPqay0OtlqFB4VpFrGGIlO6SVMO1ZVSL_cG63cuz-T2t0c_4UH1RbXVoucOzDM7OBhU3SWh4rsoupXTAiNoY-pkbLfqkBXqhvMYWSy/s1600/_DSC7610.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="456" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje6vs8iaYxx4H3lE3U2hBgRfpAKk8vccOz_VktgzzPqay0OtlqFB4VpFrGGIlO6SVMO1ZVSL_cG63cuz-T2t0c_4UH1RbXVoucOzDM7OBhU3SWh4rsoupXTAiNoY-pkbLfqkBXqhvMYWSy/s640/_DSC7610.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span lang="EN"><i>I can honestly say that I don’t necessarily recommend having two babies at
once- but there is something to be said for the efficiency.</i></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<span lang="EN"><b>Pets?</b> I have two cats and I'm one of "those" cat people. They are my fur babies and if I was single I would have a house full of cats. I'd be the cat lady and my house would probably smell funny. There, I admitted it. </span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLmk0TsPGc40-fTT8_oE0iDAD3sMJZRmQaDk7VcfilQjbw-YOcqFQwKlwI9Puti1hMZsQzHhQVR2FyJjtxxbFmsgFkSiTpIG5c14Pw7g-Wow4kF5A_ZinCrXskQpF-vzRjLl-FWpw5cWPp/s1600/229735_10150179228147048_500527047_6872495_895292_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="500" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLmk0TsPGc40-fTT8_oE0iDAD3sMJZRmQaDk7VcfilQjbw-YOcqFQwKlwI9Puti1hMZsQzHhQVR2FyJjtxxbFmsgFkSiTpIG5c14Pw7g-Wow4kF5A_ZinCrXskQpF-vzRjLl-FWpw5cWPp/s640/229735_10150179228147048_500527047_6872495_895292_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sawyer and Ronan (my original babies) </td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span lang="EN"> <b>Other People in My Life?</b> I am lucky enough to have amazing friends and family.These people are so important- family and friends always come first. You know who you are.</span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfwfg49TL0iAH8DuSXWKn4JHfl8Av6bOjn84SifeA31gKmRG7l_q-R7VOUUQpacoX6gPAAlaeCIyFv8lvYXHXopYOO3Pc_-izxpFah1XDf9I8NLkjqV_4RMTT-pJKYfIZjIth9lc8sfc7g/s1600/216880_10150157006722048_500527047_6666917_3350529_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="548" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfwfg49TL0iAH8DuSXWKn4JHfl8Av6bOjn84SifeA31gKmRG7l_q-R7VOUUQpacoX6gPAAlaeCIyFv8lvYXHXopYOO3Pc_-izxpFah1XDf9I8NLkjqV_4RMTT-pJKYfIZjIth9lc8sfc7g/s640/216880_10150157006722048_500527047_6666917_3350529_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A very small sample of some of the best people (and fur-friends) in my life.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span><br />
<br />
<b>To Wrap it All up? </b><span lang="EN">I am not sure if I can write or not, and I certainly don’t know
if I can write anything interesting.</span><span lang="EN"> I am terrible at grammar and spelling, and I know without a doubt that I am
in dire need of an editor.</span></div>
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<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<br />
(<i>Cue tangent proving my point about needing an editor...</i>)<br />
<br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;">I have a friend, a good friend, one of those kinds
of friends </span><span lang="EN">whom though you never see , you stay friends forever. </span><i><span lang="EN">(You go months,
maybe even years without seeing them, but when you do it is like no time has
passed. I have a handful of people like this is my life, and they are
invaluable).</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN">Anyway, it is this aforementioned friend who is the only person in the
world who could be (and has been) my editor. For several years she edited every
one of my papers for University, and it’s totally to her credit that I managed
to graduate with a GPA of any respectability. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN">She once told me that, “I had an completely unique way of getting to my point”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Which is a polite way of saying, “you might actually have a learning
disorder”. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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</div>
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<span lang="EN">She is the only person on this earth I would let edit me. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Since she spends
her days studying and working to become someone interesting and I spend my days
covered in my own milk (both fresh and regurgitated) I can’t exactly bother her
every time I want to write an inane thought that no one will read. </span><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN">(<i>annnnnnnd....tangent complete</i>) </span><br />
<span lang="EN"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">SO, You will have to suffer through me, unedited,and unapologetic...mommy brain and all. </span></div>
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</div>Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7807675699083887957.post-27349192202580283942012-04-09T18:27:00.002-03:002012-05-13T23:29:08.479-03:00How to BeginI have been stalling all week trying to figure out how to start this
blog. I tried to write an introduction of some sort, but never could
really get down what I wanted to say.<br />
Basically, my three short weeks of being a first time mom to twins has left my brain useless.<br />
<br />
SO. I'm just going to begin.<br />
I don't know what this blog will become...if anything, but I will try to always be truthful.<br />
If nothing else it will be a place to let out some steam.<br />
Life is wonderfully stressful and frustrating these days!Nicholehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08338306852815482094noreply@blogger.com0