A New Way to Love

Time got away from me again.

I haven’t written anything in a long time.

My days with two toddlers have been beyond busy.

The last few months have brought a lot of big changes.

My babies have grown into toddlers.

Little people, really.

They understand most of the things I say to them.

They can communicate to get what they want.

They (almost) speak actual words.

They know so many things.

Most of the changes I have been able to embrace, they excite me and I have never been more proud.

Every day they do something awesome, and that’s pretty damn cool.

But

Another big change has happened.

We are finished with breast feeding.

We are finished breast feeding, and I think my heart might be broken.

When the babies were born, despite a rough start, I was lucky enough to have more than enough milk to feed both of them.

I was bound and determined that they would be exclusively breast fed.
And in the end, for the most part, they were.

In the beginning, breast feeding two newborns was a nightmare.

I was lucky, I had plenty of milk

But

Despite having a supply fit for an army...I was still only one person.

Breast fed babies eat more often than formula fed babies, simply because, breast milk isn't as heavy, and takes less time to digest.

So

Whenever they would hit a growth spurt I would end up (literally) nursing each of them every hour.

For the first six months of their lives, I pretty much never slept.

During the first four or five months, when their demand was at its highest, I would also pump milk.

This meant that, for one bedtime feeding, and for one middle of the night feeding, Bill could get up with one of the babies (always Badger) and give me a slight break.

However,

They were getting up 3-4 times a night.

Each.

In those early months I didn't think I was going to be able to do it.

At least once a week I would break down into tears, claiming;

 "I just couldn't breast feed anymore".

I was so tired.

Physically and mentally.

There we times that I couldn't bear the thought of another child, latching on, scratching and grabbing at my poor breast, while still, another child waited in the wings for their own turn.

My pre-birth promise to breast feed for 12 months began to dwindle.

I re-vamped it all the way down to 3 months.

I could not imagine making it past that long.

But I did.

And in fact, the opposite of what I imagined began to happen.

I began to enjoy it.

So how did THAT happen?

How did my feelings turn 360 so dramatically?

The truth is, around the 5th month, it got a lot easier.

It was still really hard, but their demand was lessening…

And suddenly, there were times were I almost felt like I could catch my breath.

My personal breast feeding goal started to climb again.

Six months…nine months...ten months....and then suddenly, before I had even realized it, we had arrived at 12 months.

A new unforeseen problem had surfaced.  

How and when was I going to stop?

My goal began to push farther forward, no longer projecting how long I could manage it, but, how much longer until I had to stop.

13 months…

By 13 months they were nursing a mere fraction of what they used to.

It was becoming clear that it wasn't even because they were hungry.

It was all about comfort.  

I knew our days were numbered.

In a big way I couldn't wait.

NOT breast feeding meant a big pile of freedom.

Being able to leave them for extended periods of time was a big one…

…and I would no longer be completely relied on to put them to sleep.

Wow!

And how about…drinking?

 I remembered that being fun!

Even something as simple as being able to take cold medication.

I was looking forward to all of it.

I could see my new reality poking over the horizon, like a blur of land after a long bout at sea.

14 months...15 months…

15 months.

15 months and suddenly I found myself on our 2nd day without milk.

Without my milk.

I almost don't even know how it happened.

A nap here, a nap there,

No milk.

And then...

…finally, a bed time without milk.

Then,

 two bedtimes.

Then,

No "emergency" calm down nursing in the early mornings.

No random comfort nursing during the day.

It snuck up.

I felt ambushed.

Afraid.

Afraid that it is all over.

For good.

I found myself, lying awake, hoping somebody would wake up.

Begging someone to wake up, so I can selfishly take them from their cribs, to have one last nurse.

I began to panic.

As much of trial it had been, as much (at times) I sincerely hated breast feeding,

I had realized;

I was really going to miss it.

I was going to miss bringing one of my warm babies to my own bed and nursing them back to sleep.

I was going to miss how instantly and fiercely my body could calm them.

I was going to miss peering at them in the moonlight, stroking their cheeks and hair, admiring every inch of their perfect bodies.

The panic rose.

Nursing was the ONLY moments I had with my BABY.

Singular.

These times were the ONLY times I have had to truly enjoy my BABY individually.

The only time.

And it was disappearing.

Without them, how I will reclaim those moments?

Where do I find my perfect moments in time, that were already so few, to embrace my babies.

One by one.

There is nothing else I could ever compare it to.

  

And it will never be the same.

Irreplaceable.

About six weeks have passed now, and we have in fact, completely stopped breast feeding.

I still find myself very conflicted.

Disappointed.

Sad.

Suddenly, the two beings, who, from their very first breaths, demanded every ounce of me day and night for the last 15 months, have been sleeping solidly through the night.

Our nighttime house is silent.

For 15 months it was the only thing I had wished, begged and pleaded for.

What I have dreamed of.

Silence.

 So.

Why does it hurt so much?

Why am I having such a hard time getting over it?

16 months…

Today. 

This morning, Bug woke up a few minutes before her brother.

I brought her to my bed and laid her against my naked chest.

I began to wonder if this would confuse her?

If nursing even occurred to her, I will never know.

She simply cuddled in and laid a pudgy hand against me.

Her cheek resting against my breast.

Suddenly she looked up at me, smiled, and cuddled deeper

As if to say;

“this is all I need…just you”

The feeling I had thought was lost forever came flooding back.

I closed my eyes, and for one perfect moment I was content with all of it.

I’ve talked about change, and letting go, many times before, and I know that this is one of those things that fall into that category.

I don’t think I will ever NOT miss it,

But

I know I will get over it. 

My children will continue to show me new ways to love them. 

Simple

I miss the time in my life when I did not constantly feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Sometimes I feel so heavy.

Trapped in this cage I have built for myself.

I long for those lazy afternoons that tumbled so effortlessly into lazy evenings.

The freedom that came with only being responsible for me.

The simple feeling of knowing, that, even if I didn’t, I COULD go anywhere, at any time.

I miss our late night walks.

I miss not feeling guilty over simply doing something “just” for me.

I miss casual drinking.

I miss me.

I realize now, that before I had children I took a lot of things for granted;  my free time, being one of the biggest. 

I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the days of staying up late, knowing that I could sleep the following day away.

Or even something as simple as a late night walk to the grocery store for ice cream…just because.

The changes to my life are everywhere.

From the really big, to the completely mundane and unexpected.

Like, for example;

 How I take baths.

For the first 8 or 9 months of their lives, I never bathed.

 I couldn't.

There wasn't the time, and trying was futile.

I tried a few times,

to fill a bath

to find a book 

and attempt to immerse myself in the complete wastefulness and self-indulgence that had, before, become a staple in my life;  

bathing without washing.

That was my favorite thing;

filling a tub with scalding water, laying back and losing myself in a book until the water turned cold.

But in my new life I could barely manage to have the bath filled before someone would wake up.

With two babies in my life I was lucky to shower for pure utilitarian reasons.

While I was pregnant I bathed constantly.

In the beginning I bathed to try and relive the constant and intense "morning" sickness that plagued me for 20 weeks

though....

mostly, I would end up curled in the fetal position on the shower floor, begging the shower head to wash my nausea down the drain....

Eventually the morning sickness went away and, as I steadily grew bigger and bigger, I bathed to relive the weight and the tension. Towards the end, when I finally stopped working, and was on modified bed rest, I bathed several times a day...simply because I was bored.

These “pregnant” baths were never quite the same as my old "care free" baths. 

For one- I couldn't have the water nearly as hot (raising your body temperature too much can harm your baby/babies) - so I was forced to be content with a warm bath, which I found to be, too cold.

  

Secondly, as my belly got big, I couldn’t comfortably lie in the bathtub.

Instead I would have to turn my body towards the edge of the tub and rest my head along that edge while I sat.

It was awkward, but it worked.

I've only recently started finding time to enjoy a bath again.

At first I couldn't read.

I'd fill the tub and just sit and stare.

My brain perplexed and overwhelmed by the silence around me.

Shortly after, I began to read again, not in the tub- but outside.

If I didn't have time to bathe I certainly didn't have time to read!

But

One day I picked up a book and surprised myself by actually managing to read almost an entire chapter before my brain stopped firing or a child woke up.

Soon I transitioned back to being able to read in the tub.

And it was lovely.

It was as if I had found my old friends.

The funny thing is, I still bathe the way I did when I was seven plus months pregnant.

Sitting up, leaning over the tubs edge, my head resting on a rolled up towel.

With my book sprawled open on the floor I am able to rest my hands against the cool stone tiles.

For a 30 min I am as true to "me" as I am able to get.

I guess all of this made me realize that;

If you’re lucky, it is the simplest pleasures in life that truly bring you the most joy...

A  wind chime singing in the night.

The sound of cats lapping water

A book you've read before.

A hot bath.

Warm hands pressed against cold tiles.

It can be so hard, sometimes, to see beyond the negative.

I am guilty of that.

I can spend too much time focusing on the negative, dwelling on the things I cannot change.

Sometimes I forget to look for the little pleasures.

They don't always reveal themselves easily. 

I forget that it is up to me to actually notice them.

To find contentment in the simple things life has given me.

To take hold.

To say;

“This is what makes it all worth it”.

 

Letters

I had planned to post these “letters” to the babies closer to their first birthday (last month)….but I wasn’t ready.

Their birthday was hard for me.

I spent most of the day in tears, pouring over old pictures and videos.

Morning the “loss” of my little babies.

I wanted to cling to those moments.

Terrified to admit that this stage was over, and it was only the memories that were left.

I wasn’t ready to admit they were growing up.

They are barely one month shy of their first birthday, and it seems as if they have turned into full blown toddlers overnight.

I have no idea who these amazing little people that inhabit this house are.

They surprise me everyday.

_______________________________________________________________________

 To my Daughter on her 1^st Birthday 

Where do I begin? 

My first born baby.

My beautiful little girl.

Everything changed the moment that they held you above me.

I couldn’t hold you, but my entire being embraced you.

I couldn’t stop telling your daddy how beautiful you were.

Your perfect face.
Your fiery red hair.

You were my gentle baby from the very beginning.

Quietly, and patiently enduring your brother.

I can close my eyes and still feel you, were you sat, in your own little corner.

Content to sit and wait.

Eventually, now and again, your patience would run out and you would stretch your legs, pushing him back into his own corner.

What a rumble it would be then, the two of you together.

It was then I knew-you would never let anyone push you around.

You have a will like no other.

You are stubborn and sensitive and quick tempered, and loving and determinded...

...I can't even imagine the things you are going to achieve. 

Have I told you how beautiful you are?

Because I cannot tell you enough.

Someone, someday might tell you otherwise and your feelings will be hurt.

I know.

But know that those people are in pain.

Turn your hurt into sympathy for them.

You play a charade of a serious baby.

But I know the truth.

Your eyes are always dancing, and when you finally unleash a smile, it is unmatched.
 

Your laugh is my music and I wonder how I ever lived without it.

I want the whole world for you.

I want you to never be afraid.

I want you to live for YOU,

not for me ,

not for your father.

 Just you.

I want you to spread your wings and fly as far as you want to go.

But…at the same time

I want to wrap my whole body around you and keep you from everything that might hurt you.

To be honest – I was terrified to have you.

 A daughter.

I truly believed your life would be easier if you were a boy.

You would hurt less.

You would be safer.

And in this world…

It seems that almost daily, my fears for you become truer and bolder and scarier.

But

I promise that I will not hold you back.

And

We will not live in fear.                                                    We can never live in fear.

I promise that I will never expect you to sacrifice more than your brother. 

You are such an amazing little person

You are so much like your father

You’re goofy and fun and smart.

You seem to want to learn everything, to know it, to live it.

You study things around you, and wait until you’ve almost perfected something before you try it

Whereas you brother is all about the destination you are all about the journey.

You take your time you think it through.

Then, when you figure it out, you truly enjoy the ride.

I hope you never lose this.

 You are going to be amazing. 

__________________________________________________________________________

To my Son on his 1^st Birthday

My Son.

My darling sweet little boy.

I held you in your first moments.

For one perfect minute.

Your sweet quiet face.

You completed our family.

Made us four- in perfect balance.

From the very beginning you demanded to be heard.
Stretching out in all angles inside my belly, assuring me you were there.
I can close my eyes and still feel you, your head underneath my right rib.

I would lay awake at night, feeling you and wondering who this strong willed little person was going to be?

I knew you were going to be unstoppable.


I love your fat little hands.

Dimples were your knuckles should be

Your smile is as big as your personality

From ear to ear.

You already know how to work it.

You love to dance, you hear the beat and your shoulders start to sway with a life of their own.

You love food, and indulge yourself zestfully.

Bananas, blueberries, cheese and toast are among your favorites.

You are fearless.

You tackle life head on.

Nothing seems to slow you down.

You were determined to crawl, stand and walk.

You attempt every challenge with all abandon.

Never giving up, no matter how many times you fall.

You always pick yourself up.

As you get older- I hope you never lose your drive, your determination.

Never underestimate how far hard work will get you. 

I won’t lie to you. 

You can be a frustrating child

You are so head strong.

But I don’t fault you.

I can’t

You are me.

Stubborn

Hot blooded

Passionate

Sensitive

You scowl.

You furrow .

You have the death stare mastered.

You are full of drama.

You will stand at the gate, head bent back and mouth gaping; clutching the bars, as you melt to the floor, bellowing great sobs that shouldn't be able to be produced by your tiny body.

You have so much passion.

I know you are destined to love too hard

Sometimes you seem to need me all the time

Sobbing your great sobs if you can’t be in my arms or on my lap

You propel yourself to me as fast as you can.
If I’m standing you hug my legs and cry begging me to pick you up.
If I am sitting you hurriedly climb into my lap and snuggle in.

You want me all for yourself

You will share me from time to time.
And welcome your sister onto her knee.

All three of us together to read a story, as you play with her hair

You are such a sensitive little boy.

 A strong boy.

Protect your sister always.

One day she will tell you she doesn’t need you, but don’t take it to heart. The truth is she does (whether she knows it herself or not).

You will have to be patient

But, please

Always be in her corner

Be true to yourself

You are you and that is what we love

Know that you cannot be the best at everything

We will always love you no matter what.

Respect yourself and others.

Respect for others results in respect for yourself, and forges a path to understanding, compassion and inner peace.

 You are going to be amazing.

________________________________________________________________________

To the Both of You

I know you will face pain and suffering, because that is life.  

And unfortunately, it is something I cannot keep from you.

Most importantly,

I just want you to be happy.

To know love, and hope and peace and harmony and loyalty and truth.

To know that your father and I will always love you, no matter what.

To know that you are my entire world.

To know

We wanted you more then we have wanted anything.

Thank you for completing our lives. 

Love Always,

Mama.