Tonight

Tonight,

After waking up for a midnight snack, Bug returned to sleep in my arms.

She was sound asleep within 15 minutes.

I could have easily carried her upstairs and put her back into the crib.

But, instead I sat with her in my arms for almost an hour.

I was watching something on my lap top and she was warm and comfortable in my arms.
So, I just decided to keep her there with me and enjoy one of those rare moments of peace.

My attention wondering from my show, I watched her.
When did her cheeks get so chubby?

Her hair so long?

I wish I could soak every inch of her at this moment into my brain, so I never forget.

Ironically, as much as the weight (physically and mentally) of my children wears me down, it also rises me up.

I find myself, lying in the darkness craving my children.
Almost wishing someone would wake up so I could have a tiny and warm body beside me.

Their existence completes my being.

One of the other two pieces that make me whole

When we finally did make our way up the stairs,her head dropping backwards over my arm, her lips red and full from nursing; I was struck with a thought that made me pause at her door, and stare at her.

When will the day come that I no longer remember them as babies?

Will I forget?

It is already happening.

Bill and I look back at photos:

  

"We can't believe they were ever that small"

I close my eyes and I try to feel the memory of their tiny bodies in my arms…and I can't quite remember.

It’s just out of my reach.

They are growing so fast, and even now, they are leaving moments behind them.

It wasn't very long ago when the only way they would sleep was in their bouncy chairs.
Now, they are to big to even sit in them...

 ...I will never bounce them to sleep again.

I don’t even remember the last time I bounced them to sleep in their chairs.

We just stopped one day.

I didn’t know the day before that it would be the very last time…

…and if I did know, would I have taken a moment to savor it?

To draw it out?

To make it last?

Perhaps.

But we never do know when the last time for ANYTHING will be.

It sneaks up on us.

Takes us by surprise.

We don’t even realize it has happened until we look back and….

“Remember when…?”

There are so many “last times” waiting for me

(Which of course is how it is meant to be)

How do I teach myself to LIVE each moment instead of “just getting through them”…?     

And…

How do I LIVE those moments without fearing the end of them?

I don’t suppose there is an answer.

All I know is what I have right now.

Two beautiful sleeping babies.

Later tonight they will wake up, looking for milk, and I will be there.

We will nurse and cuddle in “the big bed”.
I will stroke their cheeks and hair and kiss them all over.

Because one day (too soon) I will barely remember..

How warm

How tiny

How sweet

How perfect

They both were.

6 Days old.