While I Was Away

I have no idea where the last 5 months have gone.

I honestly do feel like I JUST wrote that last August post.

My babies are  NINE months old now.

A Bug and Badger  Christmas  @ 9 months

Can you imagine?

They DO things now.

They sleep (mostly) through the night.

They crawl.

They stand.

They have these....personalities.

I am in awe of them.

As for myself?

Things are changing.

Everything is still REALLY hard.

I can't let myself actually think about how hard it is.

But.

I know how to deal with it better. (maybe?)

And honestly?

I see more good moments then bad.

I want to try and start writing again, though I didn’t fully stop while I was "away".

I'm going to post what I did manage to write here now, although so much has changed since then.

It is actually crazy how much things can change in just a few months. 

I'm not going to edit what I wrote over the last few months, because if I do, it will never get posted. 

So bare with the structural mistakes.

And besides. 

I admitted my grammatical faults from day 1 :)

Above: Badger                 Below: Bug   @ 8 Months

Seriously. How are these even my babies!

_____

September 18, 2012

I wish I knew why I suddenly can't sleep. 
 I'm exhausted all the time, so there is no reason why, physically, I shouldn't be asleep the second my head hits a soft surface.

I mean, that had been what had been happening for the last 5 months.

Being constantly overwhelmed by babies had that advantage.

It completely over rode any type of insomnia.

But NOW, for the last 3 weeks, whenever I try to sleep, I can't.

I lie awake, tossing and turning.

I don’t really have anything to think about or to dwell on, the way that I used to.

Although my life is super full and rewarding with the "love of my family"

etc.

It is also very empty.

I simply don't do things for myself anymore.

I certainly do not have experiences that are "baby un-related"

In a way, I can't help but feel like I am losing who I was.

I find it hard to be around my friends who don't have children- especially females.

Mostly because I literally have nothing to say.

People as me, "What's new?"

...and...well...

Nothing.

Nothing is "new"

Unless you count backing into your sister in laws car.

Which I must, because that has been my "what's new" answer for the last 2 months.

Most of the time, my mind is completely void of anything unrelated to the babies.

...and, who wants to talk to that?

SO.

If my mind is blank and I'm physically exhausted...why can't I sleep?

I guess I have been worrying about going back to work/ realizing that I really can't go back to work.

Paying for child care for two children, at this point, makes very little sense.

I basically would be working to pay someone elses salary, while missing my children’s first few years.

Financially and emotionally it doesn’t make sense, and going back to simply leave the house...seems, I don’t no...selfish?

I hate the realization that I may have to completely abandon my job.

I really do fear that I will never get a job like it again.

I worked hard for it; and even though it isn't really something that I love, it made me respect myself. I was proud.

It made me feel like a grown-up.

Thinking and dwelling about my "career" sends me into a big self-loathing spiral.

I feel generally like a failure when it comes to "who I am" in the work force.

I, for some reason, was never able to achieve any of the educational goals I set out to do (beyond my Bachelor’s degree).

I had so many dreams of what I wanted to do, and who I wanted to be, and I never really achieved any of them.I'm scared that, when I AM ready to go back to work, I won't be able to get my "career" back.

That I will only have a "job".

I know I should go back to school, but I don't even know where to begin.

I can't stomach another 4 years of, well...anything.

and honestly?

I feel like I am too old to start again.

I don’t even know what I would do.

SO.

There it is I guess.

I guess I knew why I couldn’t sleep all along.

_______________________________________________________________________

August 24, 2012

Wondering the house at night, I think about the things I would do with my time if I was simply "taking a year off".

Something along the lines of what the well to do would call a "sabbatical" .

I would knit.

Finally dig deep and let all the ideas I have locked away in my brain flow forth and create beautiful pieces.

I honestly could cry thinking about my surplus of beautiful skeins of wool just sitting in the spare room closet.

My hands literally ache to knit something, anything...but i neither have the time or the energy.

I would read and re-read; fat novels by authors I love, in which I would devour like sweets in my pare time. Margart Atwood, Barbra Kingslover, Wally Lamb, Timothy Findley, Yann Martel, Kurt Vonnegut.

Living the words I dream that I had the talent to create.

Mostly I would just BE. I would listen to music, relax, enjoy a meal.

I know that these days WILL be back.

That I will arrive where I once had been.

Some days it is just hard to see my destination through the fog.

Badger, Bug and Me @ 7 months