Friday, January 18, 2013



After waking up for a midnight snack, Bug returned to sleep in my arms.
She was sound asleep within 15 minutes.
I could have easily carried her upstairs and put her back into the crib.

But, instead I sat with her in my arms for almost an hour.

I was watching something on my lap top and she was warm and comfortable in my arms.
So, I just decided to keep her there with me and enjoy one of those rare moments of peace.

My attention wondering from my show, I watched her.
When did her cheeks get so chubby?
Her hair so long?

I wish I could soak every inch of her at this moment into my brain, so I never forget.

Ironically, as much as the weight (physically and mentally) of my children wears me down, it also rises me up.

I find myself, lying in the darkness craving my children.
Almost wishing someone would wake up so I could have a tiny and warm body beside me.

Their existence completes my being.
One of the other two pieces that make me whole

When we finally did make our way up the stairs,her head dropping backwards over my arm, her lips red and full from nursing; I was struck with a thought that made me pause at her door, and stare at her.

When will the day come that I no longer remember them as babies?

Will I forget?

It is already happening.

Bill and I look back at photos:
"We can't believe they were ever that small"

I close my eyes and I try to feel the memory of their tiny bodies in my arms…and I can't quite remember.
It’s just out of my reach.

They are growing so fast, and even now, they are leaving moments behind them.

It wasn't very long ago when the only way they would sleep was in their bouncy chairs.
Now, they are to big to even sit in them...
 ...I will never bounce them to sleep again.

I don’t even remember the last time I bounced them to sleep in their chairs.
We just stopped one day.

I didn’t know the day before that it would be the very last time…

…and if I did know, would I have taken a moment to savor it?

To draw it out?
To make it last?


But we never do know when the last time for ANYTHING will be.
It sneaks up on us.
Takes us by surprise.
We don’t even realize it has happened until we look back and….

“Remember when…?”

There are so many “last times” waiting for me
(Which of course is how it is meant to be)

How do I teach myself to LIVE each moment instead of “just getting through them”…?     
How do I LIVE those moments without fearing the end of them?

I don’t suppose there is an answer.

All I know is what I have right now.

Two beautiful sleeping babies.

Later tonight they will wake up, looking for milk, and I will be there.
We will nurse and cuddle in “the big bed”.
I will stroke their cheeks and hair and kiss them all over.

Because one day (too soon) I will barely remember..

How warm
How tiny
How sweet
How perfect

They both were.

6 Days old.

Friday, January 4, 2013


At first I felt guilty that I didn't blog about their 6 month "birthday".
As if I missed commemorating a milestone.

But, that's not really what this blog is about, is it?

I'm not really interested in writing about every milestone/adorable thing they did or cute thing they wore.

I mean. Yeah. They are awesome and they do awesome things.
But...who cares?

It is not as if I suddenly didn’t have anything to write about. My children create an ample amount of material.
The truth is:

I stopped, because by the end of the day, I had nothing left to give.

The last 5 months have been a test of sanity.

Now don't get me wrong...their first 3 months was TRUE insanity.
Which is confusing, because despite that, I was able to write.

I think I was able to, because I had to.
I needed to have an outlet.
A place to arrange my thoughts.
Sorting out my own reality and fantasy.
Being at home almost all day- everyday -messes with your mind.

In a small way, writing down my thoughts at night, made it all seem a little less insane.

Then one day, I just couldn't anymore.

I just didn't have the drive, the heart or the desire.

My days sucked!
I didn't want to relive it!
I certainly didn't want to try and put a positive spin on it.
Blog about it.

Create some sort of illusion that I was,

"Embracing my challenges with humor, resourcefulness and perseverance"

Because I wasn't.
Or at least I didn't feel like I was.

I felt like I was barely keeping it together.
There were days were I was certain that if I didn’t hold on tight enough, everything would unravel.
That I would lose myself completely.

Sure we had good days.
Watching my kids grow has been amazing.
 I regret nothing.
They are my world.


For every perfect happy moment there was three or four horrible, terrible, mind numbing moments looming right behind it.

And this went on for weeks.
Weeks turned into months.

Every day was exactly like the day before.
Children screaming.
Demanding every ounce of me.
Being torn in two directions, never being able to fully satisfy either one.
Feeling failure in physically being only one person.

Only half of a mother for each child.

I dreaded getting up and I dreaded going to sleep.
Because there was never an end.

No one ever stopped needing.

And honestly?
Who wants to read about that.

What it came down to, is that I didn't want this place to become an endless string of seemingly depressed thoughts.

Because that's not me.
And that wasn't what was happening.

Like I said.
Things are still super hard.
But things are better.
SO much has changed.
There is light.
Every new stage leaves an old challenge behind, and brings with it, one or two more.

I am not unique.
I don't think my feelings are "new".
I have said it once and I will say it again;

Every mother is given her own challenge... mine just happens to be twins.

That is why I stopped.
That is my “excuse”.

I’m hoping to be back more.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

While I Was Away

I have no idea where the last 5 months have gone.
I honestly do feel like I JUST wrote that last August post.
My babies are  NINE months old now.

A Bug and Badger  Christmas  @ 9 months

Can you imagine?

They DO things now.
They sleep (mostly) through the night.
They crawl.
They stand.
They have these....personalities.

I am in awe of them.

As for myself?

Things are changing.
Everything is still REALLY hard.
I can't let myself actually think about how hard it is.


I know how to deal with it better. (maybe?)
And honestly?
I see more good moments then bad.

I want to try and start writing again, though I didn’t fully stop while I was "away".
I'm going to post what I did manage to write here now, although so much has changed since then.
It is actually crazy how much things can change in just a few months. 

I'm not going to edit what I wrote over the last few months, because if I do, it will never get posted. 
So bare with the structural mistakes.
And besides. 
I admitted my grammatical faults from day 1 :)

Above: Badger                 Below: Bug   @ 8 Months

Seriously. How are these even my babies!

September 18, 2012

I wish I knew why I suddenly can't sleep. 
 I'm exhausted all the time, so there is no reason why, physically, I shouldn't be asleep the second my head hits a soft surface.
I mean, that had been what had been happening for the last 5 months.
Being constantly overwhelmed by babies had that advantage.
It completely over rode any type of insomnia.
But NOW, for the last 3 weeks, whenever I try to sleep, I can't.
I lie awake, tossing and turning.
I don’t really have anything to think about or to dwell on, the way that I used to.
Although my life is super full and rewarding with the "love of my family"

It is also very empty.
I simply don't do things for myself anymore.
I certainly do not have experiences that are "baby un-related"
In a way, I can't help but feel like I am losing who I was.

I find it hard to be around my friends who don't have children- especially females.
Mostly because I literally have nothing to say.
People as me, "What's new?"


Nothing is "new"

Unless you count backing into your sister in laws car.
Which I must, because that has been my "what's new" answer for the last 2 months.
Most of the time, my mind is completely void of anything unrelated to the babies.
...and, who wants to talk to that?


If my mind is blank and I'm physically exhausted...why can't I sleep?
I guess I have been worrying about going back to work/ realizing that I really can't go back to work.
Paying for child care for two children, at this point, makes very little sense.
I basically would be working to pay someone elses salary, while missing my children’s first few years.
Financially and emotionally it doesn’t make sense, and going back to simply leave the house...seems, I don’t no...selfish?

I hate the realization that I may have to completely abandon my job.
I really do fear that I will never get a job like it again.
I worked hard for it; and even though it isn't really something that I love, it made me respect myself. I was proud.
It made me feel like a grown-up.

Thinking and dwelling about my "career" sends me into a big self-loathing spiral.
I feel generally like a failure when it comes to "who I am" in the work force.
I, for some reason, was never able to achieve any of the educational goals I set out to do (beyond my Bachelor’s degree).
I had so many dreams of what I wanted to do, and who I wanted to be, and I never really achieved any of them.I'm scared that, when I AM ready to go back to work, I won't be able to get my "career" back.
That I will only have a "job".

I know I should go back to school, but I don't even know where to begin.
I can't stomach another 4 years of, well...anything.
and honestly?
I feel like I am too old to start again.
I don’t even know what I would do.

There it is I guess.

I guess I knew why I couldn’t sleep all along.

August 24, 2012

Wondering the house at night, I think about the things I would do with my time if I was simply "taking a year off".

Something along the lines of what the well to do would call a "sabbatical" .

I would knit.
Finally dig deep and let all the ideas I have locked away in my brain flow forth and create beautiful pieces.
I honestly could cry thinking about my surplus of beautiful skeins of wool just sitting in the spare room closet.
My hands literally ache to knit something, anything...but i neither have the time or the energy.

I would read and re-read; fat novels by authors I love, in which I would devour like sweets in my pare time. Margart Atwood, Barbra Kingslover, Wally Lamb, Timothy Findley, Yann Martel, Kurt Vonnegut.
Living the words I dream that I had the talent to create.

Mostly I would just BE. I would listen to music, relax, enjoy a meal.
I know that these days WILL be back.
That I will arrive where I once had been.
Some days it is just hard to see my destination through the fog.

Badger, Bug and Me @ 7 months