Monday, April 30, 2012

Eight Pounds

I think Bug had a rough day today.
I know I did. 

Today really was the peak, and subsequent breaking point of a rough week.
Add to that, two nights of very little sleep, and you make for a very emotional and fed up mama. 

I felt completely used up, as if I did not have one ounce in me left to give.
I spent most of the day in tears.

The last few days I have found myself blankly going through the motions: change Bug, feed Bug, change Badger, feed Badger, followed by constantly rocking and bouncing both of them until it’s time to start the cycle all over again. I can manage to steal moments here and there to throw in a load of laundry or make a sandwich, but in general, these babies are pretty high maintenance. Although,who’s babies aren’t?  

The most frustrating moments are when I have them both finally asleep, and the simple act of me leaving the room will wake them.  I spend so much time just sitting on the couch bouncing their chairs with my feet and getting nothing done.

Anyway- Today was the day in which 6 weeks of babies finally caught up with me, and caught up with me hard. Luckily it is Sunday and Bill was here to take some of the load off. 

As for Bug, I think that she is going through her 6 week growth spurt.  She has been absolutely miserable.  The only thing that makes her happy is being nursed.  All she seemed to do today was scream, fuss and cry. Nothing made her happy. Not her bouncy seat, not my arms, not Bills arms, not our walk to the store and certainly not the new swing I just shelled out $50.00 for. At one point she even cried as she ate!
She is sleeping sweetly in my arms now; it is the first all day she has seemed at peace. The poor little thing must be exhausted.
I hate the "cliché-ness" of it all, but looking at her little face does make the absolute horror that was today a little more bearable.
I wish my camera was in arms reach so I could attempt to capture her in this moment, though I know a photo would never do it justice. 
No one else could ever see her the way I do.

I can’t help but give her soft little kisses, even if it risks waking her up.

Honestly? I’m a little terrified of this 8lb little girl who can single handily bring me to my brink and back again.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Who We Become

Sometimes (OK- often) I get really overwhelmed with the babies, and I cannot help but think about my life before they were here, and miss it a little (…OK- a lot). There are many things that I wished I could have done before I had decided to have children; trips I wanted to take, things I wanted to buy, experiences I wanted to have.

 Sometimes, I think about those things, and I get scared that now, I will never be able to have them.  

Someone once told me that you cannot spend your life afraid of taking the next big step simply because you hadn’t taken the smaller steps that you think should have come first. They told me that if I spent my life waiting for that “perfect time”, I might just end up missing out on things I never knew I could have.  If Bill and I hadn’t decided to have a baby when we did, we may never have ended up with the twins. We would have missed out on something wonderful we didn’t even know we could have had.

There are so many things I still want to do, and though I am a little frightened about this new path my life is leading, I don’t regret it. When I get a longing for how things used to be, my new life always finds a way to shock me back into realizing how wonderful my new reality is.

I hope I can stay grounded and remember to take everything one day at a time. I hope I can remember that being a mother doesn’t mean that I have lost “who I was” but, created a better “who I am”.

Monday, April 23, 2012

An Introduction (of Sorts)

Me?  I am 28 years old. I am a wife and I am a  stay at home mother to five week old twins.
I have one of each. A boy and a girl…and no…they are not identical (obviously- though you’d be surprised how many people ask!). I love knitting, horror movies, music that rocks, reading in the bath tub and being left alone. 
Before this whole "married with children thing", I went to University, did interesting things, traveled and worked my ass off at one shitty and thankless job after another. My last job (the job I worked my ass off to get) was as the Payroll manager for a popular cell phone company. I loved it (I had my own freaking office!) and I loved the people. Honestly, I miss it. And I worry that once the babies are ready for me to leave them (in several years) if I'll be able to get a job like that again.

My babies? They are Badger and Bug (obviously not their real names). We are just getting to know each other, but so far they are pretty cool. They are completely unique and I cannot imagine my life without them.

My husband? His name is Bill. He works incredibly hard and loves me more then I ever imagined anyone could love me. He is my rock and my world. People are confused by our bickering and teasing, but its just how we roll. We try not to take ourselves too seriously. He is literally the only person on this earth who "gets" me.

I can honestly say that I don’t necessarily recommend having two babies at once- but there is something to be said for the efficiency.

Pets? I have two cats and I'm one of "those" cat people. They are my fur babies and if I was single I would have a house full of cats. I'd be the cat lady and my house would probably smell funny. There, I admitted it. 
Sawyer and Ronan (my original babies)

 Other People in My Life? I am lucky enough to have amazing friends and family.These people are so important- family and friends always come first. You know who you are.

A very small sample of some of the best people (and fur-friends) in my life.

To Wrap it All up? I am not sure if I can write or not, and I certainly don’t know if I can write anything interesting. I am terrible at grammar and spelling, and I know without a doubt that I am in dire need of an editor.

(Cue tangent proving my point about needing an editor...)

I have a friend, a good friend, one of those kinds of friends whom though you never see , you stay friends forever. (You go months, maybe even years without seeing them, but when you do it is like no time has passed. I have a handful of people like this is my life, and they are invaluable).

Anyway, it is this aforementioned friend who is the only person in the world who could be (and has been) my editor. For several years she edited every one of my papers for University, and it’s totally to her credit that I managed to graduate with a GPA of any respectability. 

She once told me that, “I had an completely unique way of getting to my point”

Which is a polite way of saying, “you might actually have a learning disorder”.

She is the only person on this earth I would let edit me. 

Since she spends her days studying and working to become someone interesting and I spend my days covered in my own milk (both fresh and regurgitated) I can’t exactly bother her every time I want to write an inane thought that no one will read. 

(annnnnnnd....tangent complete)
SO, You will have to suffer through me, unedited,and unapologetic...mommy brain and all.

Monday, April 9, 2012

How to Begin

I have been stalling all week trying to figure out how to start this blog. I tried to write an introduction of some sort, but never could really get down what I wanted to say.
Basically, my three short weeks of being a first time mom to twins has left my brain useless.

SO. I'm just going to begin.
I don't know what this blog will become...if anything, but I will try to always be truthful.
If nothing else it will be a place to let out some steam.
Life is wonderfully stressful and frustrating these days!