Friday, June 29, 2012

Big and Little

As he lays on my lap, his eyes heavy and his lips red from nursing, I can hardly believe he belongs to me.

That this moment is real.

I’m positive that every mother thinks her son is beautiful, handsome and brilliant.

Those steel blue eyes and dark lashes…
Whomever he chooses to love will be lost in them.

When finally, the troubles of the world fall on his shoulders, will he still smile his sweet secret sleep smiles?

It blows my mind to think that someday, he will be a grown man.
With his own path and journey.
I can only protect him for so long.
And then…well…we all have to let go.  

I think our children are given to us at the exact moment we need them.

To swell and break our hearts

To know that we have hearts.

To feel love in a way we never knew existed.

Up until recently, there was only one person in this world whom I loved enough, that if I thought about that love too much, I would panic 
My throat burning with the realization, that my life, would shatter without them.

Now there are three people.
And it's the most beautiful and painful thing in the world.

Still Here

Two posts.

A very short post to make myself feel better about not posting in almost 3 weeks



A quick post to asking for patiance from those who actually do read this.
I do have a new "real" post coming soon!

My nights lately (the only real time I have to write) have been super baby busy, leaving me with very little energy to "do" much of anything.
Please don't give up on me and check back!

We are headed out tomorrow for our first "road trip" as a foursome.
We are heading to Bills parents house for the Canada Day weekend.
There are tons of family on Bills side that have not had a chance to meet the babies yet...I predict a busy weekend!

I am partially dreading how a five hour drive is going to go. We are leaving in the evening (when Bill is done work). In theory, they should sleep better in the dark...right?

Babies hate theories.

Wish me luck. Ill need it.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Just One Day

Deep down I am a loner at heart. I LOVE being left alone.

Even as a child I was perfectly content to play by myself. I had a fantastic imagination.
To me, being alone in my bedroom was where I was comfortable.

I do love being with my friends and spending time with my husband, but there is just something very Zen about being alone with ones thoughts.

Fast forward to my new reality?

(A husband AND twins….)
Basically I am never alone. 

Being a mom really is a full time job.
The hours are terrible and the pay is non-existent. The people I work for are demanding, messy and oblivious to my own needs.
(Apparently payment is supposed to be in “their smiles” or something equally lame)

My days are a crazy whirl wind of feedings, diapers, spit up, meltdowns and even more feedings.

There are days where it feels like the whole world needs a piece of me.

Sometimes I catch myself day dreaming of the simplest pleasures; A good book, a bath and an inappropriately long nap.
Maybe the sheets are even clean! 
Crisp and cool even!
And maybe, just maybe, there are cookies.

Most importantly, there is no one who requires one bloody thing from me.

Doesn’t that sound like heaven?

Part of me thinks I might kick a puppy or two for such a time.

Thankfully, I am not alone. I do have a partner.

When Bill is not working, he is completely hands on. He changes 90% of the diapers and takes care of them on his own for at least 2 hours on Saturday and Sunday so I can have a nap. Every night he takes charge of Badgers bed time routine so from 10:30pm to 5:00 am I usually only have to deal with Bug. 

His help is invaluable and I don’t think I could do it without him.

That being said, during the week I am alone with both babies 12-14 hours a day.
Which is a long time.

(Hats off to all you single mothers and those with partners who work away.)

There are days where I feel like I simply cannot do it. Days where I am so tired that I feel like I really can’t change another diaper or nurse another baby.
I do it anyway of course, but not always with a smile on my face. There are days where I cry just as much as the babies do.

I worked it out.
I’m literally sleeping (on average) about 15-20 hours a week.
A week.

Our day usually starts at 7am.

Everyone is awake and everyone is hungry.
We get up and go downstairs. Babies are changed and nursed.

Then after,

1) a short happy period of alertness or 

2) a cranky period of varying lengths and severity

 they fall asleep for their first nap.

“Naps” are a loose concept with twins, (and single babies this young.)
They don’t necessarily want to nap at the same time, and are still too young to force a true schedule on. Mostly you just take them as they come, and prey they will last long enough to get something (anything!) done. 

Often one will fall asleep while the other screams through the others nap…when the screaming child finally falls asleep….the previously sleeping child wakes up and continues the screaming.

This can go on, non-stop, all day.
This means no break, just shift after shift of babies.

This is what we in the business call “a shitty day”.

Good days? We have them.
Good days mean they both nap around similar times and wake up slightly staggered from each other.
Getting them to nap at the same time is always the ultimate goal; the sweet spot.
BUT…if they wake up at the same time, that is tricky too. Waking up at the same time, means two very demanding, wet and hungry babies, who both want me NOW! This can be really over whelming, but, we muddle through.  

So, both babies are asleep! What are you going to do?

To nap or eat? That is the question.
If I am lucky enough to get them both asleep or, at the very least, content, I usually make myself a sandwich and then try and snag a nap on the couch.
To be honest though, I usually never make it to the nap.
If they are asleep I eat and watch a little TV. Then I do laundry or try and clean up a bit…

Basically, I’m tired; so I drag myself amongst the house trying to put the pieces back together. Whether that means a load of laundry, loading the dish washer or just picking up some of the crap that seems to pile up and explode overnight.

By 2pm it is almost guaranteed everyone is awake again (no matter what kind of day we are having).
If it is a nice day I get them ready to leave the house.
This takes at LEAST an hour and is super stressful. (It goes MUCH smoother when Bill is home and I’m not out numbered)

Everybody needs to be fed, changed and dressed before we can even think about going anywhere.

Sweaters need to be put on.

Nobody likes sweaters.

Bodies need to be strapped into car seats.

Nobody likes car seats.

Everybody screams. There are tears. Soothers are spit across the room in anger.

The only thing the powers me through “getting ready to go out” is the knowledge that as soon as we start moving in the car or stroller the sweet, sweet silence will follow.
Unless of course it’s windy…..
Nobody likes the wind.

Eventually, we are finally out! It’s a lot of work, and there are days where I can almost, not even bear the thought of getting them ready to go out, but, once we are out I feel instantly better.

Not being in the house is what sanity is made of.

Now that the weather is getting nicer, I try to stay out with them as close to 6pm as possible. That way when we get back home, the wait for Bill to be finished work isn’t very long.
Bonus? After an afternoon out and about, both babies are usually completely asleep when I get home, and will usually stay that way for a while. Usually.

Bill gets home from work anywhere between 6 and 7pm.
Around 730 I make supper and then attempt to eat it.
I say “attempt” because Badger seems to have an uncanny 6th sense.
It is the ability to know the exact moment our supper is ready and on my plate.
That is his cue to promptly wake up. Screaming.
SO demoralizing.

I INSIST that Bill eats his supper (It’s not like he can breast feed anyway).
So, almost every night my supper sits until he is nursed and lulled back to sleep (which can take up to an hour).

Every night is like a game of “baby roulette”.
The gamble is of how good or bad our night will go.
Sometimes one has a bad night, sometimes they both have bad nights and sometimes, they both are just lovely.
Lovely nights mean TV shows, video games and internetting.
Bad nights mean simply trying to keep it all from unraveling.

It really isn’t as bad as I make it sound.
Every week it gets a little better, with more good nights then bad.
The thing to remember is that, none of this is forever.

At 1030pm Bill is ready for bed, so it’s Badger’s bedtime too (Bill feeds him a bottle of milk I pump)
(The roughest nights are when Badger refuses to go to bed for Bill and he is forced to bring him back downstairs to me.)

I stay up with Bug and when she is ready I nurse her to sleep.
This is when I should “just go to bed”.
But I often don’t.
Bill has Badger and Bug is asleep and it’s the only time I have to be myself.

I watch TV, I internet, I read and I pump milk.
I NEED this time to be a better mom. If I didn’t sacrifice these few hours of sleep, all my life would be is baby care. And I don’t think that is very healthy.

I take Bug up to our bed around 130am and doze beside her. I can never quite get myself to sleep; knowing that she will be awake again in an hour or so.
By 230am Bug is ready for another feed and Badger wakes around 3am for his (Bill feeds and changes him). Badger usually wakes up again before 5am, at which point Bill brings him to me and goes back to bed to catch a few more minutes of sleep before he has to get up for work (5:30am).
If I am lucky Badger will nurse back to sleep and Bug will stay asleep through the whole ordeal.
730am comes pretty quickly after that.

Some mornings I can trick them back to sleep by nursing them together and I am able to catch a couple extra hours. Glorious.

Today was not unlike any other day. Everyone needed from me, and I gave it.
We slog through diaper explosions, tandem freak-outs and a particularly stressful trip to the store.
By the time Bill gets home I’m exhausted.
I make dinner and eventually, after feeding everyone else, I eat my own.
Finally, after getting both babies down for their evening nap, I have a shower.
Passing Bill in the hall he stops me and gives me a kiss.
I instantly feel guilty.
I can’t help but feel annoyed at what should be a sweet moment.
It is the realization that my husband also needs from me.
I smile but brush him off.
He says he understands.
I promise that it won’t be like this forever.
1030pm arrives. Bill and Badger are ready for bed. 

Goodnight Mum.
Goodnight Dad.

It isn’t long before I hear them both snoring.
I sit alone (with Bug sleeping beside me) in the quiet living room and sigh.

As usual, at 1:30am I carry Bug up to bed and doze until she is ready to eat again.
She wakes quietly, with little coos and (now) smiles. I change her and bring her back to bed to nurse her back to sleep. She falls asleep easily.

Around 3am I finally close my eyes for true sleep. It will be only a few hours until Badger needs me again. Letting my body relax I am so grateful for the (if I’m lucky) two hours of silence. For the moment everybody is satisfied and requires nothing from me. My head against the pillow feels amazing. 
I’m just about to submit to sleep when I feel it.

A feather light “thump" near my feet, followed by, cautious paws walking along my body.
I open an eye. 


"Come on if you're coming"

Happy purrs and fluffy paws demand pets as he makes a nest on my chest.
He keeps me awake for another 20 minutes, but it’s worth it.

Sleep is over rated anyway.