Sunday, March 3, 2013


A little while ago I had a request that I write about how I felt when
I found I was going to have twins. it is! 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Our "baby" was completely planned.
Our "baby" was discussed, put off, re-discussed, calculated, and prepared for.


It’s safe to say we were not surprised when we did become
pregnant...Though quite surprised how quickly it had happened.

In fact, it had happened so quickly that I was in complete denial that I was actually pregnant.
It was an odd sort of denial though.
Because I KNEW I was pregnant almost immediately.
I felt it. 

I felt completely different.

But... I'm a self doubter.
And a VERY cautious optimist.
So cautious that people mistaken it for pessimism.

Simply, I don't like to be disappointed. 
So I refuse to accept most things until I have concrete evidence.
(It's pretty much the reason why religion does not work for me)

I knew that I was pregnant.
But I refused to even let myself take a pregnancy test until my period had officially "been missed" by an
acceptable amount of days.

Which I had decided would be 5 days.

Finally I decided that I had waited long enough, and on the 5th
morning, before work, I took the test.

Providence most of decided that I had done enough waiting because
I didn't even have to wait the suggested 5min.
 The test turned positive –instantly, literally before my eyes.

I was floored.
Try, trying to finish getting ready for work after that!
But I did, and then proceeded to have a very jittery and unproductive day.

If you are wondering how I told Bill, and are hoping for some cutesy
story, were I did something over the top and romantic/loving ... are probably going to be disappointed...

I texted him the photo of the positive pregnancy test later that morning, while sitting at my desk.

Im sorry.
That's just how we roll.

So we were 4 weeks pregnant.

We wouldn't know it was twins until I was almost 14.

Initially (in our younger days) Bill and I had decided that we would
have two children. I wanted three and he wanted one- so we compromised.

Later as we got closer to actually wanting children, and subsequently
working on making one, we quickly decided that one child would be

We wanted a child, but we also had plans to travel as we got older, we
wanted to still be young when our child was grown-….so we could do all
the things we wanted.

We even discussed at length how we were a little nervous that one
child may become spoiled and that perhaps a second child would prevent
that. But after some thought, consulting a few books and the
realization that we knew several couples who managed to raise one
child without turning it into some horrid egotistical monster- our
confidence returned.

Yes, having one child was the perfect decision for us and we were
delighted with ourselves.
Our plan was going forward well researched and thought out.

I of course, told no one that I was pregnant.   
My cautious nature couldn’t bear the thought of “un-telling” anyone- so I just didn’t tell anyone ….until I was SURE I was pregnant.
As in, heard a heartbeat or seen an ultrasound kind of sure.

My secret got harder and harder to keep as my morning sickness got worse and worse (as in curled up in fetal position on shower floor kind of worse).
The intensity of my “morning sickness” (laughable term- I was sick all day every day for at least 20 weeks) should have been my first clue something was “different”.

To be completely honest- I knew something was “not right from the very beginning, which was a big part of the reason I kept the pregnancy a secret for so long.  

I KNEW that something was different. 

And to be 100% completely honest I had many moments, these silent creeping thoughts, way back in my brain that suggested to myself that maybe....just maybe...there might be "two babies".

But that is an INSANE thought. 
So I never uttered it. 
Not once. 
Not even to Bill.

But still, I couldn’t shake it.
This feeling.
That something was very different.


Being ME- I assumed that these feelings meant that something was wrong.
Really wrong.

FINALLY my 10 week appointment came.
FINALLY I knew that the doctor would actually try and listen for the heart beat.
I was a nervous wreck.
I was terrified that she would finally reveal what I was sure had happened.
That the baby didn’t make it.

When I lifted up my shirt for the doctor to look at my stomach, she looked at me strangely.
“How many weeks are you?” she asked.


“That isn’t possible” – “You’re too big”

She was right- my stomach was already “big”.  I never carried much weight on my stomach and over the last couple weeks a distinct bulge had appeared almost out of nowhere- causing me to even remark to Bill a few nights previous – “Should I even be showing this much already???”

With a look of  concern/confusion my doctor tried to find the babies heartbeat with the Doppler monitor.
Soon the room was filled with the quiet whoosh and rumble of the sounds from my stomach, and then suddenly the distinctive “whub, whub, whub” of a heartbeat that was not my own.

Relief rushed over me.

“Is that it?”- I said “Is that the heartbeat?” My chest welling with pure joy.

The doctor didn’t answer.

My heart stopped.
I felt an instant lump form in my throat.

Her face read nothing but confusion.
Her brow furrowed with intense concentration.

“What’s wrong?....Isn’t that the heart beat….Is it ok?”

Her silence was merely seconds but it felt like whole minutes.
My mind raced with every possible “worst case scenario” I could fathom.

Finally she answered;........................“I think there are two”


My whole world stopped.
My ears ringing around her words. 
My mind went blank.

“Pardon me?” 

“The second heart beat I heard could have just been an echo, but there COULD be a second baby- although it’s more likely that you are just farther along than you think you are, which would also explain why you are starting to show”

I would have to wait another two weeks for a “dating ultrasound”.

Bill couldn't come with me to the ultrasound that would determine
whether we actually had two babies ...or I was just simply huge.

I can't describe how I felt or what I thought when I saw those two
almost perfectly round shadows appear instantly on the ultra sound.
My future had changed in a mere instant.
There was no doubt.
The grainy black and white image dancing on the screen in front of me
was my proof.

I looked at the ultrasound tech and laughed.

Oh, and how did I tell Bill he was going to be the father of twins?

I texted him.


We didn’t have much to say to each other over the next few days.
It was all just TOO crazy.
All too- unreal.

How would we manage?
How DO you take care if  TWO babies....? once?
Could my body even physically handle it?
How huge was I going to get?

It took a LONG time for the reality of our situation to set in, and honestly, I still have moments when I am floored that we have twins.

While I watch them as they play I cannot help but marvel how both of them were inside my belly at once.

Where did I even keep them?
It all seems so impossible now.  

It's funny really. 
All that planning we did.

Life sure showed me.

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